Discussion:
Irritability and BP
(too old to reply)
r***@gmail.com
2006-07-06 12:36:31 UTC
Permalink
My GF has been quite anxious for the last 3 months or so. Ostensibly
because of her job. Lately, this has led to her being more and more
irritable with me. I saw this in her last relationship and she promised
me that she would never act that way with me, but here we are.

I feel like I there is nothing I can say or do that is right.
Everything can be going along fine, and then BAAAMMM!!!, I do something
to set her off. The other night, we were in the grocery store and I
told her "Listen love, no hurry, but my foot hurts and I'll go wait in
the car for you. Take your time." When she came back out, all hell had
broken loose. I had "hurried" her and forced her to leave items she
wanted. She was beside her self with rage and wouldn't talk to me. I
kept asking her what was wrong and what I had done, but that just made
it 100 times worse. By asking her what I had done, I was "sucking the
life out of"her and she ended up not talking to me much for 24 hours.
She told me she was "done with all this" and I had "finally sucked the
life totally out of"her. I have no #### clue what I've done. I spend
all my time around her trying to make her happy and keep her as stress
free as possible. We don't have sex anymore (5 months now) since my
asking to have sex with her pressures her too much.

Right now, she is looking at apts on the internet for herself since she
it "totally done with all this" (despite having talked about having
kids with me less than 24 hours ago) and being a total bitch to me.

I feel completely lost. This is my first bp gf and I feel like
everything I do is wrong. It sucks when you love someone with all your
heart and all you do is end up hurting them and making them massively
unhappy.

Any advice?

Reeb
Harry
2006-07-06 21:15:32 UTC
Permalink
Post by r***@gmail.com
My GF has been quite anxious for the last 3 months or so. Ostensibly
because of her job. Lately, this has led to her being more and more
irritable with me. I saw this in her last relationship and she promised
me that she would never act that way with me, but here we are.
I feel like I there is nothing I can say or do that is right.
Everything can be going along fine, and then BAAAMMM!!!, I do something
to set her off. The other night, we were in the grocery store and I
told her "Listen love, no hurry, but my foot hurts and I'll go wait in
the car for you. Take your time." When she came back out, all hell had
broken loose. I had "hurried" her and forced her to leave items she
wanted. She was beside her self with rage and wouldn't talk to me. I
kept asking her what was wrong and what I had done, but that just made
it 100 times worse. By asking her what I had done, I was "sucking the
life out of"her and she ended up not talking to me much for 24 hours.
She told me she was "done with all this" and I had "finally sucked the
life totally out of"her. I have no #### clue what I've done. I spend
all my time around her trying to make her happy and keep her as stress
free as possible. We don't have sex anymore (5 months now) since my
asking to have sex with her pressures her too much.
Right now, she is looking at apts on the internet for herself since she
it "totally done with all this" (despite having talked about having
kids with me less than 24 hours ago) and being a total bitch to me.
I feel completely lost. This is my first bp gf and I feel like
everything I do is wrong. It sucks when you love someone with all your
heart and all you do is end up hurting them and making them massively
unhappy.
Any advice?
Reeb
I know about that this issue-I am working on my responses.
m***@toast.net
2006-07-07 00:26:27 UTC
Permalink
Post by r***@gmail.com
My GF has been quite anxious for the last 3 months or so. Ostensibly
because of her job. Lately, this has led to her being more and more
irritable with me. I saw this in her last relationship and she promised
me that she would never act that way with me, but here we are.
I feel like I there is nothing I can say or do that is right.
Everything can be going along fine, and then BAAAMMM!!!, I do something
to set her off. The other night, we were in the grocery store and I
told her "Listen love, no hurry, but my foot hurts and I'll go wait in
the car for you. Take your time." When she came back out, all hell had
broken loose. I had "hurried" her and forced her to leave items she
wanted. She was beside her self with rage and wouldn't talk to me. I
kept asking her what was wrong and what I had done, but that just made
it 100 times worse. By asking her what I had done, I was "sucking the
life out of"her and she ended up not talking to me much for 24 hours.
She told me she was "done with all this" and I had "finally sucked the
life totally out of"her. I have no #### clue what I've done. I spend
all my time around her trying to make her happy and keep her as stress
free as possible. We don't have sex anymore (5 months now) since my
asking to have sex with her pressures her too much.
Right now, she is looking at apts on the internet for herself since she
it "totally done with all this" (despite having talked about having
kids with me less than 24 hours ago) and being a total bitch to me.
I feel completely lost. This is my first bp gf and I feel like
everything I do is wrong. It sucks when you love someone with all your
heart and all you do is end up hurting them and making them massively
unhappy.
Any advice?
Reeb
It doesn't seem to me you are doing anything to make her unhappy.
Nothing happens without a cause but that cause is within her. If she
has sought help, has she been perfectly candid with the help
practitioner? If she is willing, perhaps there is more that can be done
to help her.

The impression I get from reading your post is that she would be making
a pretty serious mistake letting go of you; but you'd have to have the
patience of Job to live with what you describe until death doth you
part. It's a damn shame what this illness can do. Obviously there are
qualities you admire about her or you would have just written her off
after one or two of these incidents. You might also find if there is
some kind of support available for yourself. I don;t know what form it
would take. Maybe some kind of "partners of bi-polars" group.
Nom dePlume
2006-07-07 04:29:37 UTC
Permalink
Post by r***@gmail.com
My GF has been quite anxious for the last 3 months or so. Ostensibly
because of her job. Lately, this has led to her being more and more
irritable with me. I saw this in her last relationship and she
promised
me that she would never act that way with me, but here we are.
I feel like I there is nothing I can say or do that is right.
Everything can be going along fine, and then BAAAMMM!!!, I do
something
to set her off. The other night, we were in the grocery store and I
told her "Listen love, no hurry, but my foot hurts and I'll go wait in
the car for you. Take your time." When she came back out, all hell had
broken loose. I had "hurried" her and forced her to leave items she
wanted. She was beside her self with rage and wouldn't talk to me. I
kept asking her what was wrong and what I had done, but that just made
it 100 times worse. By asking her what I had done, I was "sucking the
life out of"her and she ended up not talking to me much for 24
hours.
She told me she was "done with all this" and I had "finally sucked the
life totally out of"her. I have no #### clue what I've done. I spend
all my time around her trying to make her happy and keep her as stress
free as possible. We don't have sex anymore (5 months now) since my
asking to have sex with her pressures her too much.
Right now, she is looking at apts on the internet for herself since she
it "totally done with all this" (despite having talked about having
kids with me less than 24 hours ago) and being a total bitch to me.
I feel completely lost. This is my first bp gf and I feel like
everything I do is wrong. It sucks when you love someone with all your
heart and all you do is end up hurting them and making them
massively
unhappy.
Any advice?
Reeb
Well, you can't fix her. She'll either try to work around her problems
and succeed, or not, and it sounds like she isn't even trying. I also
wonder if she has something else wrong, such as a Personality Disorder
(perhaps Narcissistic or Borderline).

As for advice, if she isn't going to work to make the relationship
work, all you can do is leave it and look for someone better for you.
--
Nom dePlume, Ph.D.
Why, yes, in fact, I am a rocket scientist.

Guide to Medications for Mental Illness:
http://www.geocities.com/nomdeplume1000/

=====
Harry
2006-07-07 20:26:24 UTC
Permalink
Post by Nom dePlume
Post by r***@gmail.com
My GF has been quite anxious for the last 3 months or so. Ostensibly
because of her job. Lately, this has led to her being more and more
irritable with me. I saw this in her last relationship and she promised
me that she would never act that way with me, but here we are.
I feel like I there is nothing I can say or do that is right.
Everything can be going along fine, and then BAAAMMM!!!, I do something
to set her off. The other night, we were in the grocery store and I
told her "Listen love, no hurry, but my foot hurts and I'll go wait in
the car for you. Take your time." When she came back out, all hell had
broken loose. I had "hurried" her and forced her to leave items she
wanted. She was beside her self with rage and wouldn't talk to me. I
kept asking her what was wrong and what I had done, but that just made
it 100 times worse. By asking her what I had done, I was "sucking the
life out of"her and she ended up not talking to me much for 24 hours.
She told me she was "done with all this" and I had "finally sucked the
life totally out of"her. I have no #### clue what I've done. I spend
all my time around her trying to make her happy and keep her as stress
free as possible. We don't have sex anymore (5 months now) since my
asking to have sex with her pressures her too much.
Right now, she is looking at apts on the internet for herself since she
it "totally done with all this" (despite having talked about having
kids with me less than 24 hours ago) and being a total bitch to me.
I feel completely lost. This is my first bp gf and I feel like
everything I do is wrong. It sucks when you love someone with all your
heart and all you do is end up hurting them and making them
massively
unhappy.
Any advice?
Reeb
Well, you can't fix her. She'll either try to work around her problems
and succeed, or not, and it sounds like she isn't even trying. I also
wonder if she has something else wrong, such as a Personality Disorder
(perhaps Narcissistic or Borderline).
As for advice, if she isn't going to work to make the relationship
work, all you can do is leave it and look for someone better for you.
--
Nom dePlume, Ph.D.
Why, yes, in fact, I am a rocket scientist.
http://www.geocities.com/nomdeplume1000/
=====
how many times have you diagnosed a client NPD?I haven't,ever,in
practice.However,I meet many in my world & welcome to it.I'm a magnet.
Nom dePlume
2006-07-08 06:04:23 UTC
Permalink
Post by Harry
how many times have you diagnosed a client NPD?I haven't,ever,in
practice.However,I meet many in my world & welcome to it.I'm a
magnet.
I'm not sure what you're asking here, Harry. If you are asking how
often have I diagnosed a client with a disorder, the answer is never,
because I'm not a doctor or a therapist. If you mean how many times
have I encountered people that I suspect have Narcissistic Personality
Disorder, I'm not sure I have, in person, but I've seen some in
various places on the Internet that I suspect fit the description.
--
Nom dePlume, Ph.D.
Why, yes, in fact, I am a rocket scientist.

Guide to Medications for Mental Illness:
http://www.geocities.com/nomdeplume1000/

=====
Harry
2006-07-09 20:08:18 UTC
Permalink
Post by Nom dePlume
Post by Harry
how many times have you diagnosed a client NPD?I haven't,ever,in
practice.However,I meet many in my world & welcome to it.I'm a magnet.
I'm not sure what you're asking here, Harry. If you are asking how
often have I diagnosed a client with a disorder, the answer is never,
because I'm not a doctor or a therapist. If you mean how many times
have I encountered people that I suspect have Narcissistic Personality
Disorder, I'm not sure I have, in person, but I've seen some in
various places on the Internet that I suspect fit the description.
--
Nom dePlume, Ph.D.
Why, yes, in fact, I am a rocket scientist.
http://www.geocities.com/nomdeplume1000/
=====
I haven't met any on the internet.not one.we all have traits.I assumed
you were a doctor or therapist.Sorry.To dx one NPD would require direct
observation,at least for me.I ain't suspicious,I ain't looking for
one.Hope others would be generous before judgement.Harry
ace_berzerker
2006-07-07 10:58:09 UTC
Permalink
My GF has been quite anxious for the last 3 months or so. Right now,
she is looking at apts on the internet for herself since she it
"totally done with all this." Any advice?
Ditch her before she does you serious damage. She's not worth your time
and effort.
ace_berzerker
2006-07-07 10:52:29 UTC
Permalink
My GF has been quite anxious for the last 3 months or so. I feel like
I there is nothing I can say or do that is right. Everything can be
going along fine, and then BAAAMMM!!! By asking her what I had done,
I was "sucking the life out of"her and she ended up not talking to me
much for 24 hours. She told me she was "done with all this" and I
had "finally sucked the life totally out of her." I have no #### clue
what I've done. We don't have sex anymore (5 months now) since my
asking to have sex with her pressures her too much.
Right now, she is looking at apts on the internet for herself since
she it "totally done with all this" (despite having talked about
having kids with me less than 24 hours ago) and being a total bitch
to me.
Any advice?
Ditch her before she does you some serious damage. She's not worth it.
Duck Kee Lee
2006-07-07 11:13:36 UTC
Permalink
My GF has been quite anxious for the last 3 months or so. I feel like
I there is nothing I can say or do that is right. We don't have sex
anymore (5 months now) since my asking to have sex with her pressures
her too much. Right now, she is looking at apts on the internet for
herself since she it "totally done with all this" (despite having
talked about having kids with me less than 24 hours ago) and being a
total bitch to me.
Any advice?
Let her go. She's not worth it.
e***@gmail.com
2006-07-07 14:21:44 UTC
Permalink
Reeb,

I have found my self in your same situation. My BF of a year was
recently diagnosed with bipolar, and our relationship has been a
struggle dealing with the irritablity the BP causes. I am trying to be
hopefull that things will get better with the medicine prescribed, but
I am facing difficulty with getting him to take the necessary steps to
tackle his treatment.

After about 3 weeks on meds, he is now asking be to be responsible for
making sure he knows his dosage and takes them. He also refuses to see
a therapist, because he "...doesn't want to think about his problem."
He refuses to read any of the books on bipolar that I purchased (I
believe in knowing what you are dealing with!)

I want to be as supportive as possible, but I don't know how much
longer I can do this by myself.

I completely understand what you are going through. I am sorry to say
I don't have any advice, but I find that sometimes it helps just to
know that someone else is in the same boat.

Emma
Post by r***@gmail.com
My GF has been quite anxious for the last 3 months or so. Ostensibly
because of her job. Lately, this has led to her being more and more
irritable with me. I saw this in her last relationship and she promised
me that she would never act that way with me, but here we are.
I feel like I there is nothing I can say or do that is right.
Everything can be going along fine, and then BAAAMMM!!!, I do something
to set her off. The other night, we were in the grocery store and I
told her "Listen love, no hurry, but my foot hurts and I'll go wait in
the car for you. Take your time." When she came back out, all hell had
broken loose. I had "hurried" her and forced her to leave items she
wanted. She was beside her self with rage and wouldn't talk to me. I
kept asking her what was wrong and what I had done, but that just made
it 100 times worse. By asking her what I had done, I was "sucking the
life out of"her and she ended up not talking to me much for 24 hours.
She told me she was "done with all this" and I had "finally sucked the
life totally out of"her. I have no #### clue what I've done. I spend
all my time around her trying to make her happy and keep her as stress
free as possible. We don't have sex anymore (5 months now) since my
asking to have sex with her pressures her too much.
Right now, she is looking at apts on the internet for herself since she
it "totally done with all this" (despite having talked about having
kids with me less than 24 hours ago) and being a total bitch to me.
I feel completely lost. This is my first bp gf and I feel like
everything I do is wrong. It sucks when you love someone with all your
heart and all you do is end up hurting them and making them massively
unhappy.
Any advice?
Reeb
Nom dePlume
2006-07-08 07:18:22 UTC
Permalink
Post by e***@gmail.com
Reeb,
I have found my self in your same situation. My BF of a year was
recently diagnosed with bipolar, and our relationship has been a
struggle dealing with the irritablity the BP causes. I am trying to be
hopefull that things will get better with the medicine prescribed, but
I am facing difficulty with getting him to take the necessary steps to
tackle his treatment.
After about 3 weeks on meds, he is now asking be to be responsible for
making sure he knows his dosage and takes them. He also refuses to see
a therapist, because he "...doesn't want to think about his
problem."
He refuses to read any of the books on bipolar that I purchased (I
believe in knowing what you are dealing with!)
I want to be as supportive as possible, but I don't know how much
longer I can do this by myself.-
You shouldn't be doing this at all. It isn't sustainable, and it casts
you into the role of caretaker (unpaid full-time nurse) and him in the
role of helpless victim. Both roles are terribly destructive.
--
Nom dePlume, Ph.D.
Why, yes, in fact, I am a rocket scientist.

Guide to Medications for Mental Illness:
http://www.geocities.com/nomdeplume1000/

=====
Duck Kee Lee
2006-07-08 18:45:46 UTC
Permalink
Post by Nom dePlume
Reeb,
I have found my self in your same situation. My BF of a year was
recently diagnosed with bipolar, and our relationship has been a
struggle dealing with the irritablity the BP causes. I am trying to
be hopeful that things will get better with the medicine
prescribed, but I am facing difficulty with getting him to take the
necessary steps to tackle his treatment.
After about 3 weeks on meds, he is now asking be to be responsible
for making sure he knows his dosage and takes them. He also refuses
to see a therapist, because he "...doesn't want to think about his
problem." He refuses to read any of the books on bipolar that I
purchased (I believe in knowing what you are dealing with!)
I want to be as supportive as possible, but I don't know how much
longer I can do this by myself.
You shouldn't be doing this at all. It isn't sustainable, and it casts
you into the role of caretaker (unpaid full-time nurse) and him in the
role of helpless victim. Both roles are terribly destructive.
Another way of looking at this is that she wants to be a stalwart
partner, by way of providing a stepping stone, in the hope that BF
"comes to his senses" and starts meeting her half-way. If that's what he
indeed requires at this time, and he soon "fires up" again, then it will
deepen the relationship for both. On the other hand, if he's carrying
any resentment about his situation, and it's spilling over onto what
she's doing for him now, it will end up being destructive for both. The
only way the caretaker & helpless victim situation can work is if BF
compensates GF monetarily, or in some other acceptable fashion, and she
accepts that as a satisfying return. Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to
be the case here. Doesn't seem like GF here wants to be a compensated
caretaker. She wants to be a GF, and in return, wants a full partner BF.
Beach-N-SnowGirl
2006-07-07 15:21:31 UTC
Permalink
Is she taking medication? If so, it sounds like it may need to be
tweeked. If not, that may be the problem. But I'm personally new to
all this and my bipolar ex-boyfriend had his meds pretty well dialed in
by the time we met. He rarely had anything resembling a manic episode
while we were together, although he did have some lows where he just
isolated himself from me. They were infrequent, tho.

I know that irritability goes hand in hand with my manic stages.
That's how I know they're coming, actually. My dog will lay her head
on me and instead of feeling a rush of love for her like usual, I'll
yell at her to get away from me. It's irrational, I know it's
irrational, but I do it anyway. Now that I'm acknowledging my status
as being bipolar, though, I'm a little more patient with myself and
everything that sets me off. Maybe your girlfriend is in a bit of
denial about being bipolar; otherwise I would think she would be able
to recognize a manic episode when it happens and know that it's not you
that has sucked the life out of her, but her disease instead. But then
again, I'm still a newbie so I may not understand the extent of a
full-throttle manic stage. Perhaps she can't recognize it b/c of it,
ya know?

Anyway, wish I could be of more help! Check back in; there are lots of
thoughtful people on here who will have some ideas! And good luck!
Post by r***@gmail.com
My GF has been quite anxious for the last 3 months or so. Ostensibly
because of her job. Lately, this has led to her being more and more
irritable with me. I saw this in her last relationship and she promised
me that she would never act that way with me, but here we are.
I feel like I there is nothing I can say or do that is right.
Everything can be going along fine, and then BAAAMMM!!!, I do something
to set her off. The other night, we were in the grocery store and I
told her "Listen love, no hurry, but my foot hurts and I'll go wait in
the car for you. Take your time." When she came back out, all hell had
broken loose. I had "hurried" her and forced her to leave items she
wanted. She was beside her self with rage and wouldn't talk to me. I
kept asking her what was wrong and what I had done, but that just made
it 100 times worse. By asking her what I had done, I was "sucking the
life out of"her and she ended up not talking to me much for 24 hours.
She told me she was "done with all this" and I had "finally sucked the
life totally out of"her. I have no #### clue what I've done. I spend
all my time around her trying to make her happy and keep her as stress
free as possible. We don't have sex anymore (5 months now) since my
asking to have sex with her pressures her too much.
Right now, she is looking at apts on the internet for herself since she
it "totally done with all this" (despite having talked about having
kids with me less than 24 hours ago) and being a total bitch to me.
I feel completely lost. This is my first bp gf and I feel like
everything I do is wrong. It sucks when you love someone with all your
heart and all you do is end up hurting them and making them massively
unhappy.
Any advice?
Reeb
Maggie
2006-07-07 21:15:33 UTC
Permalink
Post by r***@gmail.com
Any advice?
Reeb
have you considered the possiblity that she just isn't that into you?

Let her go.

Begging doesn't make you more attractive to her. it's irritating.
Seiously.

grace
Maggie
2006-07-07 21:15:49 UTC
Permalink
Post by r***@gmail.com
Any advice?
Reeb
have you considered the possiblity that she just isn't that into you?

Let her go.

Begging doesn't make you more attractive to her. it's irritating.
Seiously.

grace
Snell
2006-07-08 22:39:35 UTC
Permalink
Dear Reeb and Gang:

I have a different perspective on this very significant issue, since
one of the worst things my BP does to me is make me intensely irritable
and short-fused (picometer-fused?). Before I told myself "enough is
enough!" with the rage, and got a correct diagnosis and the proper mood
stabilizer, my quickness to rage had been crippling my life more and
more. My raging destroyed love relationships, got me fired from jobs,
and pushed away most people except those who somehow were able to
withstand this behavior.

Recently, canadagirl described what things can look like behind the
eyes of a Borderline PD sufferer, which really helped me (and my two
brothers, each of which got a copy of her post) begin to understand the
behavior and thinking of my BPD mother. Let me try to do the same,
behind the eyes of a suffer of bipolar dysphoric mania.

I tell others, who aren't familiar with the concept of a mixed state or
dysphoric mania: "It's like you have all the hopelessness and meanness
of depression, combined with the intense energy and superhuman power of
mania--it's like "turbo boost" for the expression of annoyance."
("Turbo boost"--anyone remember 'Knight Rider'?)

A pdoc explained the process to me this way. There's a trigger--I know
certain ones I have, but more often it just seems random--and my mind
interprets the behavior of the target as an attack--a devastating,
malicious attack. (The first delusion.) Then several things happen:
(a) I begin to perceive the target as an evil, dangerous monster who
wants to harm or kill me (second delusion); (b) Most of the color
drains out of my vision (not so much as "seeing red" as "seeing
taupe"); (c) I believe with total certainty that unless I neutralize
this monster with an overwhelming and crippling counterattack, the
monster *will* harm or kill me, or any other loved one with me (third
delusion); (d) Finally, because I'm verbal and articulate, I launch,
within seconds, a devastating "counterattack" (but it isn't a
counterattack, because I haven't really been attacked in the first
place). Usually, these counterattacks go for the place where the
target is most weak or self-doubting. I don't have to think about what
to say--the perfectly devastating thing comes to me. Three minutes
later, I come to my senses, find that people are crying or screaming,
and looking at me with fear, astonishment, and anger, and I sigh,
knowing I've done it again.

I can't prevent these episodes, except by taking my medicine, and I
can't stop them once they've started. It's almost as if my mind were
hijacked by the manic-depression. I can look at myself from outside
myself and fairly scream at myself to stop before it's too late, but
the shields are up and the firing sequence is locked--there's no
stopping the cascade.

Reeb's girlfriend's episode in and after the grocery store strikes a
chord with me, because grocery stores make me anxious, and when I'm
anxious I'm more likely to explode. I might even say something as
ludicrous as "You've hurried me!" or "Your weakness and lack of
tolerance for the littlest pain made this whole trip pointless, because
I left behind all the things I really needed, feeling so rushed and
upset!"

A lot of suggestions given to Reeb were that he "dump her" or "ditch
her." Well, those responses seem a little too facile. There are lots
of things we don't know. Does he love and cherish her, except for
these episodes? How often do the episodes happen? Is she taking
medicine, and is it the right medicine, as liss asked. Could it be
that Reeb might unwittingly be saying things in a way--perhaps
passive-aggressive--that his GF experiences as trying to duck his
ownership of his part of the problem, or trivial, or needling? (In
other words, is there just a different *way* Reeb could say certain
things that would prevent their becoming triggers?) Reeb did tell us
that the GF was having bad anxiety about her job--could these episodes
be a relatively common venting of her anxiety (on a person she
believes, deep down, will forgive her, and will forgive the venting),
just amplified by dysphoric mania? Finally, could she be seeking some
space that Reeb might not understand she needs--he did say that she has
moved away from him sexually, and Maggie pointed out that she might not
be as interested in the attachment as he is.

Or she could be dangerous, a horrible mess that no one's been able to
clean up, suffering also from a difficult-to-treat personality
disorder, not in love with Reeb but trying to convince herself she
is--all of which are indeed reasons for Reeb to end the involvement and
move on. Not speaking for 24 hours is not a good sign at all.

Reeb, I'd encourage you to wait for a time when things are quiescent,
ask your GF to listen to you for ten minutes without interrupting, and
say how these behaviors make you feel. Ask her openly if she is in
love with you, and if she wants to keep her involvement with you. If
she's taking medicne, ask her if she feels that it's working. If she's
not, ask her if she's considered seeing a pdoc [and there I would use a
formulation such as "...see a pdoc for some temporary help to
strengthen you during this nasty job crisis," NOT "see a pdoc to give
you some medicine so that you don't ruin this relationship, and maybe
others, with your constant rage attacks."]

Tell her how you feel when she says that you've "hurried her," and when
she doesn't speak to you for 24 hours. Don't threaten, but maybe say
that, while you love her very much, you are nervous and full of grief
because you think your involvement might be sliding onto the rocks.
Say how her intimations that she's going to leave you just drive you
away. Then ask if that's really what she wants.

Finally--you might even ask her to read this thread. Sometimes it
takes a jolt to begin to see things from a point of view outside your
own.

Please keep us posted on how you're doing, and please know that I--and
probably everyone else who replied--wish you and your girlfriend
happiness and freedom from these terrible storms.

Ripley Snell
Post by r***@gmail.com
My GF has been quite anxious for the last 3 months or so. Ostensibly
because of her job. Lately, this has led to her being more and more
irritable with me.
I feel like I there is nothing I can say or do that is right.
Everything can be going along fine, and then BAAAMMM!!!, I do something
to set her off.
I
told her "Listen love, no hurry, but my foot hurts and I'll go wait in
the car for you. Take your time." When she came back out, all hell had
broken loose. I had "hurried" her and forced her to leave items she
wanted. She was beside her self with rage and wouldn't talk to me.
I
kept asking her what was wrong and what I had done, but that just made
it 100 times worse. By asking her what I had done, I was "sucking the
life out of"her and she ended up not talking to me much for 24 hours.
She told me she was "done with all this" and I had "finally sucked the
life totally out of"her.
We don't have sex anymore (5 months now) since my
asking to have sex with her pressures her too much.
Right now, she is looking at apts on the internet for herself since she
it "totally done with all this" (despite having talked about having
kids with me less than 24 hours ago) and being a total bitch to me.
I feel completely lost. This is my first bp gf and I feel like
everything I do is wrong. It sucks when you love someone with all your
heart and all you do is end up hurting them and making them massively
unhappy.
END OF POST
north polar skip
2006-07-09 07:35:32 UTC
Permalink
Man what a good post! Skipper
Post by Snell
I have a different perspective on this very significant issue, since
one of the worst things my BP does to me is make me intensely irritable
and short-fused (picometer-fused?). Before I told myself "enough is
enough!" with the rage, and got a correct diagnosis and the proper mood
stabilizer, my quickness to rage had been crippling my life more and
more. My raging destroyed love relationships, got me fired from jobs,
and pushed away most people except those who somehow were able to
withstand this behavior.
Recently, canadagirl described what things can look like behind the
eyes of a Borderline PD sufferer, which really helped me (and my two
brothers, each of which got a copy of her post) begin to understand the
behavior and thinking of my BPD mother. Let me try to do the same,
behind the eyes of a suffer of bipolar dysphoric mania.
I tell others, who aren't familiar with the concept of a mixed state or
dysphoric mania: "It's like you have all the hopelessness and meanness
of depression, combined with the intense energy and superhuman power of
mania--it's like "turbo boost" for the expression of annoyance."
("Turbo boost"--anyone remember 'Knight Rider'?)
A pdoc explained the process to me this way. There's a trigger--I know
certain ones I have, but more often it just seems random--and my mind
interprets the behavior of the target as an attack--a devastating,
(a) I begin to perceive the target as an evil, dangerous monster who
wants to harm or kill me (second delusion); (b) Most of the color
drains out of my vision (not so much as "seeing red" as "seeing
taupe"); (c) I believe with total certainty that unless I neutralize
this monster with an overwhelming and crippling counterattack, the
monster *will* harm or kill me, or any other loved one with me (third
delusion); (d) Finally, because I'm verbal and articulate, I launch,
within seconds, a devastating "counterattack" (but it isn't a
counterattack, because I haven't really been attacked in the first
place). Usually, these counterattacks go for the place where the
target is most weak or self-doubting. I don't have to think about what
to say--the perfectly devastating thing comes to me. Three minutes
later, I come to my senses, find that people are crying or screaming,
and looking at me with fear, astonishment, and anger, and I sigh,
knowing I've done it again.
I can't prevent these episodes, except by taking my medicine, and I
can't stop them once they've started. It's almost as if my mind were
hijacked by the manic-depression. I can look at myself from outside
myself and fairly scream at myself to stop before it's too late, but
the shields are up and the firing sequence is locked--there's no
stopping the cascade.
Reeb's girlfriend's episode in and after the grocery store strikes a
chord with me, because grocery stores make me anxious, and when I'm
anxious I'm more likely to explode. I might even say something as
ludicrous as "You've hurried me!" or "Your weakness and lack of
tolerance for the littlest pain made this whole trip pointless, because
I left behind all the things I really needed, feeling so rushed and
upset!"
A lot of suggestions given to Reeb were that he "dump her" or "ditch
her." Well, those responses seem a little too facile. There are lots
of things we don't know. Does he love and cherish her, except for
these episodes? How often do the episodes happen? Is she taking
medicine, and is it the right medicine, as liss asked. Could it be
that Reeb might unwittingly be saying things in a way--perhaps
passive-aggressive--that his GF experiences as trying to duck his
ownership of his part of the problem, or trivial, or needling? (In
other words, is there just a different *way* Reeb could say certain
things that would prevent their becoming triggers?) Reeb did tell us
that the GF was having bad anxiety about her job--could these episodes
be a relatively common venting of her anxiety (on a person she
believes, deep down, will forgive her, and will forgive the venting),
just amplified by dysphoric mania? Finally, could she be seeking some
space that Reeb might not understand she needs--he did say that she has
moved away from him sexually, and Maggie pointed out that she might not
be as interested in the attachment as he is.
Or she could be dangerous, a horrible mess that no one's been able to
clean up, suffering also from a difficult-to-treat personality
disorder, not in love with Reeb but trying to convince herself she
is--all of which are indeed reasons for Reeb to end the involvement and
move on. Not speaking for 24 hours is not a good sign at all.
Reeb, I'd encourage you to wait for a time when things are quiescent,
ask your GF to listen to you for ten minutes without interrupting, and
say how these behaviors make you feel. Ask her openly if she is in
love with you, and if she wants to keep her involvement with you. If
she's taking medicne, ask her if she feels that it's working. If she's
not, ask her if she's considered seeing a pdoc [and there I would use a
formulation such as "...see a pdoc for some temporary help to
strengthen you during this nasty job crisis," NOT "see a pdoc to give
you some medicine so that you don't ruin this relationship, and maybe
others, with your constant rage attacks."]
Tell her how you feel when she says that you've "hurried her," and when
she doesn't speak to you for 24 hours. Don't threaten, but maybe say
that, while you love her very much, you are nervous and full of grief
because you think your involvement might be sliding onto the rocks.
Say how her intimations that she's going to leave you just drive you
away. Then ask if that's really what she wants.
Finally--you might even ask her to read this thread. Sometimes it
takes a jolt to begin to see things from a point of view outside your
own.
Please keep us posted on how you're doing, and please know that I--and
probably everyone else who replied--wish you and your girlfriend
happiness and freedom from these terrible storms.
Ripley Snell
Post by r***@gmail.com
My GF has been quite anxious for the last 3 months or so. Ostensibly
because of her job. Lately, this has led to her being more and more
irritable with me.
I feel like I there is nothing I can say or do that is right.
Everything can be going along fine, and then BAAAMMM!!!, I do something
to set her off.
I
told her "Listen love, no hurry, but my foot hurts and I'll go wait in
the car for you. Take your time." When she came back out, all hell had
broken loose. I had "hurried" her and forced her to leave items she
wanted. She was beside her self with rage and wouldn't talk to me.
I
kept asking her what was wrong and what I had done, but that just made
it 100 times worse. By asking her what I had done, I was "sucking the
life out of"her and she ended up not talking to me much for 24 hours.
She told me she was "done with all this" and I had "finally sucked the
life totally out of"her.
We don't have sex anymore (5 months now) since my
asking to have sex with her pressures her too much.
Right now, she is looking at apts on the internet for herself since she
it "totally done with all this" (despite having talked about having
kids with me less than 24 hours ago) and being a total bitch to me.
I feel completely lost. This is my first bp gf and I feel like
everything I do is wrong. It sucks when you love someone with all your
heart and all you do is end up hurting them and making them massively
unhappy.
END OF POST
TheOneThing
2006-07-09 23:51:24 UTC
Permalink
I am the original poster. I have indeed considered that she is "not all
that into"me and that she is a dangerous person who should be cut off.
She has been in stable relationships before, and our relationship has
been very stable and loving up until recently when she was hit with all
the anxiety at work. We have been friends for coming up on 20 years and
our physical relationship has always been the best that either one of
us had ever experienced (up until recently). To me, the troubling
aspect of the irritability is her denial of it. The fact that she still
blames me for her irrational behavior and sees no need to apologize or
talk to her therapist about it. I have been with her when she was in
full blown mania and I was with her during the resultant months long
crash. I guess I believe that if you really love someone, you don't cut
them off because they are sick.

Reeb
Post by Snell
I have a different perspective on this very significant issue, since
one of the worst things my BP does to me is make me intensely irritable
and short-fused (picometer-fused?). Before I told myself "enough is
enough!" with the rage, and got a correct diagnosis and the proper mood
stabilizer, my quickness to rage had been crippling my life more and
more. My raging destroyed love relationships, got me fired from jobs,
and pushed away most people except those who somehow were able to
withstand this behavior.
Recently, canadagirl described what things can look like behind the
eyes of a Borderline PD sufferer, which really helped me (and my two
brothers, each of which got a copy of her post) begin to understand the
behavior and thinking of my BPD mother. Let me try to do the same,
behind the eyes of a suffer of bipolar dysphoric mania.
<sniped by moderator due to line length problems>
Post by Snell
Ripley Snell
<sniped by moderator due to line length problems>
TheOneThing
2006-07-10 04:29:25 UTC
Permalink
I guess it just seems shitty to me to give up on someone that has been
acting like an asshole for 3 or 4 months, especially when I know that
person has a personality disorder. If I got sick, I wouldn't want her
to give up on me after a few months. It's strange to me that she was so
sweet and kind for YEARS and then has been a complete asshole for just
a few months. I am worried that I should talk to her pdoc since I know
that dysphoric mania can lead to full blown mania. We talked about this
a lot at the onset of our love relationship and we promised to stand by
each other no matter what. I guess my only question is that is she
acting like this as a function of her BP or am I just seeing the true
asshole that she is? I spent all weekend ferrying her around, trying to
keep her happy and she blew her stack at me because I wanted to stop
for lunch. I guess I just wasn't brought up to take advantage of people
that loved me and were trying to help me. I feel like shit and I feel
lost. Thanks so much to you guys for all your insight and help.

Reeb.
Post by TheOneThing
I am the original poster. I have indeed considered that she is "not all
that into"me and that she is a dangerous person who should be cut off.
She has been in stable relationships before, and our relationship has
been very stable and loving up until recently when she was hit with all
the anxiety at work. We have been friends for coming up on 20 years and
our physical relationship has always been the best that either one of
us had ever experienced (up until recently). To me, the troubling
aspect of the irritability is her denial of it. The fact that she still
blames me for her irrational behavior and sees no need to apologize or
talk to her therapist about it. I have been with her when she was in
full blown mania and I was with her during the resultant months long
crash. I guess I believe that if you really love someone, you don't cut
them off because they are sick.
Reeb
Post by Snell
I have a different perspective on this very significant issue, since
one of the worst things my BP does to me is make me intensely irritable
and short-fused (picometer-fused?). Before I told myself "enough is
enough!" with the rage, and got a correct diagnosis and the proper mood
stabilizer, my quickness to rage had been crippling my life more and
more. My raging destroyed love relationships, got me fired from jobs,
and pushed away most people except those who somehow were able to
withstand this behavior.
Recently, canadagirl described what things can look like behind the
eyes of a Borderline PD sufferer, which really helped me (and my two
brothers, each of which got a copy of her post) begin to understand the
behavior and thinking of my BPD mother. Let me try to do the same,
behind the eyes of a suffer of bipolar dysphoric mania.
<sniped by moderator due to line length problems>
Post by Snell
Ripley Snell
<sniped by moderator due to line length problems>
Simon's Home
2006-07-10 13:19:12 UTC
Permalink
What is amazing to me is the ability of my wife to rationalize the abnormal
behavior when we discuss it later. It is also amazing to me that she can
manipulate the professionals so easily. It was many years and episodes of
mania on her part, as well as countless hours of therapy before the eleventh
professional put things together, put her on proper medications and talk
therapy before our life together became better.
Post by TheOneThing
I guess it just seems shitty to me to give up on someone that has been
acting like an asshole for 3 or 4 months, especially when I know that
person has a personality disorder. If I got sick, I wouldn't want her
to give up on me after a few months. It's strange to me that she was so
sweet and kind for YEARS and then has been a complete asshole for just
a few months. I am worried that I should talk to her pdoc since I know
that dysphoric mania can lead to full blown mania. We talked about this
a lot at the onset of our love relationship and we promised to stand by
each other no matter what. I guess my only question is that is she
acting like this as a function of her BP or am I just seeing the true
asshole that she is? I spent all weekend ferrying her around, trying to
keep her happy and she blew her stack at me because I wanted to stop
for lunch. I guess I just wasn't brought up to take advantage of people
that loved me and were trying to help me. I feel like shit and I feel
lost. Thanks so much to you guys for all your insight and help.
Reeb.
Post by TheOneThing
I am the original poster. I have indeed considered that she is "not all
that into"me and that she is a dangerous person who should be cut off.
She has been in stable relationships before, and our relationship has
been very stable and loving up until recently when she was hit with all
the anxiety at work. We have been friends for coming up on 20 years and
our physical relationship has always been the best that either one of
us had ever experienced (up until recently). To me, the troubling
aspect of the irritability is her denial of it. The fact that she still
blames me for her irrational behavior and sees no need to apologize or
talk to her therapist about it. I have been with her when she was in
full blown mania and I was with her during the resultant months long
crash. I guess I believe that if you really love someone, you don't cut
them off because they are sick.
Reeb
Post by Snell
I have a different perspective on this very significant issue, since
one of the worst things my BP does to me is make me intensely irritable
and short-fused (picometer-fused?). Before I told myself "enough is
enough!" with the rage, and got a correct diagnosis and the proper mood
stabilizer, my quickness to rage had been crippling my life more and
more. My raging destroyed love relationships, got me fired from jobs,
and pushed away most people except those who somehow were able to
withstand this behavior.
Recently, canadagirl described what things can look like behind the
eyes of a Borderline PD sufferer, which really helped me (and my two
brothers, each of which got a copy of her post) begin to understand the
behavior and thinking of my BPD mother. Let me try to do the same,
behind the eyes of a suffer of bipolar dysphoric mania.
<sniped by moderator due to line length problems>
Post by Snell
Ripley Snell
<sniped by moderator due to line length problems>
Simon's Home
2006-07-10 13:19:12 UTC
Permalink
What is amazing to me is the ability of my wife to rationalize the abnormal
behavior when we discuss it later. It is also amazing to me that she can
manipulate the professionals so easily. It was many years and episodes of
mania on her part, as well as countless hours of therapy before the eleventh
professional put things together, put her on proper medications and talk
therapy before our life together became better.
Post by TheOneThing
I guess it just seems shitty to me to give up on someone that has been
acting like an asshole for 3 or 4 months, especially when I know that
person has a personality disorder. If I got sick, I wouldn't want her
to give up on me after a few months. It's strange to me that she was so
sweet and kind for YEARS and then has been a complete asshole for just
a few months. I am worried that I should talk to her pdoc since I know
that dysphoric mania can lead to full blown mania. We talked about this
a lot at the onset of our love relationship and we promised to stand by
each other no matter what. I guess my only question is that is she
acting like this as a function of her BP or am I just seeing the true
asshole that she is? I spent all weekend ferrying her around, trying to
keep her happy and she blew her stack at me because I wanted to stop
for lunch. I guess I just wasn't brought up to take advantage of people
that loved me and were trying to help me. I feel like shit and I feel
lost. Thanks so much to you guys for all your insight and help.
Reeb.
Post by TheOneThing
I am the original poster. I have indeed considered that she is "not all
that into"me and that she is a dangerous person who should be cut off.
She has been in stable relationships before, and our relationship has
been very stable and loving up until recently when she was hit with all
the anxiety at work. We have been friends for coming up on 20 years and
our physical relationship has always been the best that either one of
us had ever experienced (up until recently). To me, the troubling
aspect of the irritability is her denial of it. The fact that she still
blames me for her irrational behavior and sees no need to apologize or
talk to her therapist about it. I have been with her when she was in
full blown mania and I was with her during the resultant months long
crash. I guess I believe that if you really love someone, you don't cut
them off because they are sick.
Reeb
Post by Snell
I have a different perspective on this very significant issue, since
one of the worst things my BP does to me is make me intensely irritable
and short-fused (picometer-fused?). Before I told myself "enough is
enough!" with the rage, and got a correct diagnosis and the proper mood
stabilizer, my quickness to rage had been crippling my life more and
more. My raging destroyed love relationships, got me fired from jobs,
and pushed away most people except those who somehow were able to
withstand this behavior.
Recently, canadagirl described what things can look like behind the
eyes of a Borderline PD sufferer, which really helped me (and my two
brothers, each of which got a copy of her post) begin to understand the
behavior and thinking of my BPD mother. Let me try to do the same,
behind the eyes of a suffer of bipolar dysphoric mania.
<sniped by moderator due to line length problems>
Post by Snell
Ripley Snell
<sniped by moderator due to line length problems>
sir_chatlot
2006-07-11 21:54:19 UTC
Permalink
Post by Simon's Home
What is amazing to me is the ability of my wife to rationalize the abnormal
behavior when we discuss it later. It is also amazing to me that she can
manipulate the professionals so easily. It was many years and episodes of
mania on her part, as well as countless hours of therapy before the eleventh
professional put things together, put her on proper medications and talk
therapy before our life together became better.
That's a long time for you to hang in there. Most folks facing that
kind of challenge would have folded before things got better.
Snell
2006-07-10 16:45:46 UTC
Permalink
Post by TheOneThing
I guess it just seems shitty to me to give up on someone that has been
acting like an asshole for 3 or 4 months, especially when I know that
person has a personality disorder. If I got sick, I wouldn't want her
to give up on me after a few months.
Yeah!
Post by TheOneThing
It's strange to me that she was so
sweet and kind for YEARS and then has been a complete asshole for just
a few months.
Okay, now think about it. Below, you wonder if "is she acting like
this as a function of her BP or am I just seeing the true asshole that
she is?" How can someone become an "innate" asshole after being sweet
and kind for years? It seems to me that this sudden change is very
clear evidence that her turn for the worse is a manifestation of
manic-depression. I wonder--do others agree?
Post by TheOneThing
I am worried that I should talk to her pdoc since I know
that dysphoric mania can lead to full blown mania.
With her permission (and perhaps her presence), why not? Could do a
world of good. Even if she doesn't give permission, why not go to a
psychiatrist yourself for one or two visits to get her/his viewpoint?
Shrinks like to focus on the patient sitting before them, but if you go
in with the explicit goal of getting knowledge about the natural
history of your GF's illness in order to help yourself, I should think
a shrink would be more than willing to offer some possible explanations
of her behavior. Not to mention some support and advice for YOU.
Post by TheOneThing
I spent all weekend ferrying her around, trying to
keep her happy and she blew her stack at me because I wanted to stop
for lunch.
*Sigh.* That sounds awful. With my Other Half, who often says my
occasional manic blips are horribly wounding, we've worked out a
solution--he is to LEAVE. Of course, this solution is okay because I'm
not suicidal, and I'm properly treated, so those manic blips don't last
more than a couple of hours. ("Or a day at max," he just told me--"It
depends on how angry you were at base without the additional spice of
the mania.") But I'd rather see him not furious and wounded once I
come down--and he is only too happy to escape my irritability.

I don't know if this is viable for you, yet, but remember the first
rule of behavioral modification: When the subject is behaving badly,
don't punish. Leave the field. Deprive the person of the
reinforcement of your presence. When my BF shuts up, gathers his
things, and silently leaves the house (or, if we're out, shuts up and
refuses to speak again until I've stopped) I stop more quickly than I
otherwise would. It's a communication to me that I'm not behaving
right, and a communication that I can't argue with or answer back.
Again, I know people are going to caution me that *my* solution with
*my* BF is good for me and not necessarily for others. "Just sharing!"
Post by TheOneThing
I feel like shit and I feel
lost.
Repeat to thyself: It will not last forever. The only certainty is
change. It will not last forever. The only certainty is change. It
will not last forever . . . and the NON-ASSHOLE girlfriend is still in
there, and desperate to come back out.

Snell

P.S. This post boyfriend-checked for truthfulness, LOL. Snell.
canadagirl
2006-07-10 18:56:44 UTC
Permalink
Post by TheOneThing
I guess it just seems shitty to me to give up on someone that has been
acting like an asshole for 3 or 4 months, especially when I know that
person has a personality disorder. If I got sick, I wouldn't want her
to give up on me after a few months. It's strange to me that she was so
sweet and kind for YEARS and then has been a complete asshole for just
a few months. I am worried that I should talk to her pdoc since I know
that dysphoric mania can lead to full blown mania. We talked about this
a lot at the onset of our love relationship and we promised to stand by
each other no matter what. I guess my only question is that is she
acting like this as a function of her BP or am I just seeing the true
asshole that she is? I spent all weekend ferrying her around, trying to
keep her happy and she blew her stack at me because I wanted to stop
for lunch. I guess I just wasn't brought up to take advantage of people
that loved me and were trying to help me. I feel like shit and I feel
lost. Thanks so much to you guys for all your insight and help.
Reeb.
Post by TheOneThing
I am the original poster. I have indeed considered that she is "not all
that into"me and that she is a dangerous person who should be cut off.
She has been in stable relationships before, and our relationship has
been very stable and loving up until recently when she was hit with all
the anxiety at work. We have been friends for coming up on 20 years and
our physical relationship has always been the best that either one of
us had ever experienced (up until recently). To me, the troubling
aspect of the irritability is her denial of it. The fact that she still
blames me for her irrational behavior and sees no need to apologize or
talk to her therapist about it. I have been with her when she was in
full blown mania and I was with her during the resultant months long
crash. I guess I believe that if you really love someone, you don't cut
them off because they are sick.
Reeb
Post by Snell
I have a different perspective on this very significant issue, since
one of the worst things my BP does to me is make me intensely irritable
and short-fused (picometer-fused?). Before I told myself "enough is
enough!" with the rage, and got a correct diagnosis and the proper mood
stabilizer, my quickness to rage had been crippling my life more and
more. My raging destroyed love relationships, got me fired from jobs,
and pushed away most people except those who somehow were able to
withstand this behavior.
Recently, canadagirl described what things can look like behind the
eyes of a Borderline PD sufferer, which really helped me (and my two
brothers, each of which got a copy of her post) begin to understand the
behavior and thinking of my BPD mother. Let me try to do the same,
behind the eyes of a suffer of bipolar dysphoric mania.
<sniped by moderator due to line length problems>
Post by Snell
Ripley Snell
<sniped by moderator due to line length problems>
Does she have a personality disorder on top of this affective disorder
(bipolar)? Regardless, and I'll just suppose it's only bipolar, her
meds aren't working. If you want to stand by her, and I see no reason
to give up quite yet, get her to her doctor. I don't think that bipolar
should be used as an excuse for anything. Nobody should be saying
"Well deal with it, because it's my bipolar and I can't do anything
about it". We should be saying "I agree things have been a little 'off'
lately and I suspect it's my bipolar. I will make an appointment with
my doctor to see if there isn't anything we can't do about this".
Ultimately it's her choice if she is going to get some medical insight
into her rash behavior as of late, and then you need to decide if you
want to stay in a relationship with someone who is not willing to help
themself.
So far, she has been in denial, based on what you have said, but you
could try writing her a completely non-accusatory letter stating the
facts of what you are seeing, and then leave it for her when you will be
apart for a few hours. Tell her you want to help her through this and
you will stand by her so long as she does everything she can to be healthy.
canadagirl
2006-07-10 18:56:44 UTC
Permalink
Post by TheOneThing
I guess it just seems shitty to me to give up on someone that has been
acting like an asshole for 3 or 4 months, especially when I know that
person has a personality disorder. If I got sick, I wouldn't want her
to give up on me after a few months. It's strange to me that she was so
sweet and kind for YEARS and then has been a complete asshole for just
a few months. I am worried that I should talk to her pdoc since I know
that dysphoric mania can lead to full blown mania. We talked about this
a lot at the onset of our love relationship and we promised to stand by
each other no matter what. I guess my only question is that is she
acting like this as a function of her BP or am I just seeing the true
asshole that she is? I spent all weekend ferrying her around, trying to
keep her happy and she blew her stack at me because I wanted to stop
for lunch. I guess I just wasn't brought up to take advantage of people
that loved me and were trying to help me. I feel like shit and I feel
lost. Thanks so much to you guys for all your insight and help.
Reeb.
Post by TheOneThing
I am the original poster. I have indeed considered that she is "not all
that into"me and that she is a dangerous person who should be cut off.
She has been in stable relationships before, and our relationship has
been very stable and loving up until recently when she was hit with all
the anxiety at work. We have been friends for coming up on 20 years and
our physical relationship has always been the best that either one of
us had ever experienced (up until recently). To me, the troubling
aspect of the irritability is her denial of it. The fact that she still
blames me for her irrational behavior and sees no need to apologize or
talk to her therapist about it. I have been with her when she was in
full blown mania and I was with her during the resultant months long
crash. I guess I believe that if you really love someone, you don't cut
them off because they are sick.
Reeb
Post by Snell
I have a different perspective on this very significant issue, since
one of the worst things my BP does to me is make me intensely irritable
and short-fused (picometer-fused?). Before I told myself "enough is
enough!" with the rage, and got a correct diagnosis and the proper mood
stabilizer, my quickness to rage had been crippling my life more and
more. My raging destroyed love relationships, got me fired from jobs,
and pushed away most people except those who somehow were able to
withstand this behavior.
Recently, canadagirl described what things can look like behind the
eyes of a Borderline PD sufferer, which really helped me (and my two
brothers, each of which got a copy of her post) begin to understand the
behavior and thinking of my BPD mother. Let me try to do the same,
behind the eyes of a suffer of bipolar dysphoric mania.
<sniped by moderator due to line length problems>
Post by Snell
Ripley Snell
<sniped by moderator due to line length problems>
Does she have a personality disorder on top of this affective disorder
(bipolar)? Regardless, and I'll just suppose it's only bipolar, her
meds aren't working. If you want to stand by her, and I see no reason
to give up quite yet, get her to her doctor. I don't think that bipolar
should be used as an excuse for anything. Nobody should be saying
"Well deal with it, because it's my bipolar and I can't do anything
about it". We should be saying "I agree things have been a little 'off'
lately and I suspect it's my bipolar. I will make an appointment with
my doctor to see if there isn't anything we can't do about this".
Ultimately it's her choice if she is going to get some medical insight
into her rash behavior as of late, and then you need to decide if you
want to stay in a relationship with someone who is not willing to help
themself.
So far, she has been in denial, based on what you have said, but you
could try writing her a completely non-accusatory letter stating the
facts of what you are seeing, and then leave it for her when you will be
apart for a few hours. Tell her you want to help her through this and
you will stand by her so long as she does everything she can to be healthy.
Cybil Cyclone
2006-07-09 15:32:41 UTC
Permalink
Hi Reeb,

I have been a diagnosed bipolar for over 20+ years. I have been in a
lot of unsuccessful marriages and relationships. It doesn't make me an
expert, but I have learned about myself, my disorder, and how to be the
person I am today. One of the most important things I learned is to
take responsibility for my actions. I've made a lot of mistakes. I
choose to blame myself as I am the only one I have any control over.

Quite simply, you cannot change people, places or things. Your GF
probably don't have control over much, but she seems to want to control
you. This is only my opinion and it seems to me that she is trying to
blame you for her being miserable when you are being so patient with
her.

Reread your post. You start blaming her job as a reason to get
irritable then she blames you for everything going downhill. Quite
frankly, if someone told me I was "sucking the life" out of them, I
would turn and run the other way.

Being in love ought to be having good moments, fun with each other and
sharing good times with bad times... This doesn't seem like that kind
of relationship. She may never choose to have what you want in a
relationship.

Life is so short, we all need to be positive even when things are bad.
Even when I get too depressed, I know I'll come out of it eventually so
I hang in there, knowing the good times are coming. When I'm down,
I'll get up. No one else can do that for me.

Words that reflect love and beauty can also cause pain and torture.
Your GF should know this and not blame you for her misery.

Please, take care,
Cybil
+++++

Reeb wrote:

My GF has been quite anxious for the last 3 months or so. Ostensibly
because of her job. Lately, this has led to her being more and more
irritable with me. I saw this in her last relationship and she promised
me that she would never act that way with me, but here we are.
I feel like I there is nothing I can say or do that is right. Everything
can be going along fine, and then BAAAMMM!!!, I do something to set her
off. The other night, we were in the grocery store and I told her
"Listen love, no hurry, but my foot hurts and I'll go wait in the car
for you. Take your time." When she came back out, all hell had broken
loose. I had "hurried" her and forced her to leave items she wanted. She
was beside her self with rage and wouldn't talk to me. I kept asking her
what was wrong and what I had done, but that just made it 100 times
worse. By asking her what I had done, I was "sucking the life out of"her
and she ended up not talking to me much for 24 hours. She told me she
was "done with all this" and I had "finally sucked the life totally out
of"her. I have no #### clue what I've done. I spend all my time around
her trying to make her happy and keep her as stress free as possible. We
don't have sex anymore (5 months now) since my asking to have sex with
her pressures her too much.
Right now, she is looking at apts on the internet for herself since she
it "totally done with all this" (despite having talked about having kids
with me less than 24 hours ago) and being a total bitch to me.
I feel completely lost. This is my first bp gf and I feel like
everything I do is wrong. It sucks when you love someone with all your
heart and all you do is end up hurting them and making them massively
unhappy.
Any advice?
Reeb
Cybil Cyclone
2006-07-09 15:32:41 UTC
Permalink
Hi Reeb,

I have been a diagnosed bipolar for over 20+ years. I have been in a
lot of unsuccessful marriages and relationships. It doesn't make me an
expert, but I have learned about myself, my disorder, and how to be the
person I am today. One of the most important things I learned is to
take responsibility for my actions. I've made a lot of mistakes. I
choose to blame myself as I am the only one I have any control over.

Quite simply, you cannot change people, places or things. Your GF
probably don't have control over much, but she seems to want to control
you. This is only my opinion and it seems to me that she is trying to
blame you for her being miserable when you are being so patient with
her.

Reread your post. You start blaming her job as a reason to get
irritable then she blames you for everything going downhill. Quite
frankly, if someone told me I was "sucking the life" out of them, I
would turn and run the other way.

Being in love ought to be having good moments, fun with each other and
sharing good times with bad times... This doesn't seem like that kind
of relationship. She may never choose to have what you want in a
relationship.

Life is so short, we all need to be positive even when things are bad.
Even when I get too depressed, I know I'll come out of it eventually so
I hang in there, knowing the good times are coming. When I'm down,
I'll get up. No one else can do that for me.

Words that reflect love and beauty can also cause pain and torture.
Your GF should know this and not blame you for her misery.

Please, take care,
Cybil
+++++

Reeb wrote:

My GF has been quite anxious for the last 3 months or so. Ostensibly
because of her job. Lately, this has led to her being more and more
irritable with me. I saw this in her last relationship and she promised
me that she would never act that way with me, but here we are.
I feel like I there is nothing I can say or do that is right. Everything
can be going along fine, and then BAAAMMM!!!, I do something to set her
off. The other night, we were in the grocery store and I told her
"Listen love, no hurry, but my foot hurts and I'll go wait in the car
for you. Take your time." When she came back out, all hell had broken
loose. I had "hurried" her and forced her to leave items she wanted. She
was beside her self with rage and wouldn't talk to me. I kept asking her
what was wrong and what I had done, but that just made it 100 times
worse. By asking her what I had done, I was "sucking the life out of"her
and she ended up not talking to me much for 24 hours. She told me she
was "done with all this" and I had "finally sucked the life totally out
of"her. I have no #### clue what I've done. I spend all my time around
her trying to make her happy and keep her as stress free as possible. We
don't have sex anymore (5 months now) since my asking to have sex with
her pressures her too much.
Right now, she is looking at apts on the internet for herself since she
it "totally done with all this" (despite having talked about having kids
with me less than 24 hours ago) and being a total bitch to me.
I feel completely lost. This is my first bp gf and I feel like
everything I do is wrong. It sucks when you love someone with all your
heart and all you do is end up hurting them and making them massively
unhappy.
Any advice?
Reeb
sd
2006-07-12 16:59:26 UTC
Permalink
Bipolars are experts at ruining relationships. You'll likely end up leaving
your girlfriend soon and she'll likely end up very alone not long after
that. For her sake and old times, try to stay friends and help her through.
She has a long, long way to go...
sd
2006-07-12 16:59:26 UTC
Permalink
Bipolars are experts at ruining relationships. You'll likely end up leaving
your girlfriend soon and she'll likely end up very alone not long after
that. For her sake and old times, try to stay friends and help her through.
She has a long, long way to go...
TheOneThing
2006-07-13 02:35:50 UTC
Permalink
I"ve been her friend for many many years. I love her dearly and am
reluctant to call it quits. If she is willing to take her meds and see
a pdoc regularly, that says to me that she is trying. I think she is of
the age now, almost 40, that she is sick of chaos and wants a stable
relationship. But then again, what do I know? I'm not BP.

Reeb
Post by sd
Bipolars are experts at ruining relationships. You'll likely end up leaving
your girlfriend soon and she'll likely end up very alone not long after
that. For her sake and old times, try to stay friends and help her through.
She has a long, long way to go...
sd
2006-07-12 16:59:26 UTC
Permalink
Bipolars are experts at ruining relationships. You'll likely end up leaving
your girlfriend soon and she'll likely end up very alone not long after
that. For her sake and old times, try to stay friends and help her through.
She has a long, long way to go...
Harry
2006-07-17 22:15:31 UTC
Permalink
Post by sd
Bipolars are experts at ruining relationships. You'll likely end up leaving
your girlfriend soon and she'll likely end up very alone not long after
that. For her sake and old times, try to stay friends and help her through.
She has a long, long way to go...
that's probably true,some of the time.There have to be bipolars who
managed relationships of all sorts.I did.Harry
Harry
2006-07-22 21:41:51 UTC
Permalink
Post by sd
Bipolars are experts at ruining relationships. You'll likely end up leaving
your girlfriend soon and she'll likely end up very alone not long after
that. For her sake and old times, try to stay friends and help her through.
She has a long, long way to go...
I have or have been said to be irritable.I try to do better.not always
successfully.Harry
TheOneThing
2006-07-23 03:47:12 UTC
Permalink
Thing that pisses me off is that she never apologizes. She acts like a
total bitch and goes off on me for no reason and somehow, I am always
to blame. I'm at the end of my rope and she can go back to her husband
(who was always more than willing to eat her shit) for all I care. The
way I was raised, if you treat someone bad, you apologize or make
amends. Oh well, who gives a fuck? It's my own fault for thinking
things would be different with me as opposed to her husband.
Post by Harry
Post by sd
Bipolars are experts at ruining relationships. You'll likely end up leaving
your girlfriend soon and she'll likely end up very alone not long after
that. For her sake and old times, try to stay friends and help her through.
She has a long, long way to go...
I have or have been said to be irritable.I try to do better.not always
successfully.Harry
Harry
2006-07-25 21:29:15 UTC
Permalink
Post by TheOneThing
Thing that pisses me off is that she never apologizes. She acts like a
total bitch and goes off on me for no reason and somehow, I am always
to blame. I'm at the end of my rope and she can go back to her husband
(who was always more than willing to eat her shit) for all I care. The
way I was raised, if you treat someone bad, you apologize or make
amends. Oh well, who gives a fuck? It's my own fault for thinking
things would be different with me as opposed to her husband.
Post by Harry
Post by sd
Bipolars are experts at ruining relationships. You'll likely end up leaving
your girlfriend soon and she'll likely end up very alone not long after
that. For her sake and old times, try to stay friends and help her through.
She has a long, long way to go...
I have or have been said to be irritable.I try to do better.not always
successfully.Harry
but,here are times when iiritability is appropriate>It works as a
defense for me,or to get rid of low lifes.Harry
Maggie
2006-08-02 14:24:22 UTC
Permalink
TheOneThing wrote:

Oh well, who gives a fuck? It's my own fault for thinking
Post by TheOneThing
things would be different with me as opposed to her husband.
Okay......having nothing to do with BP.

You say you've been her friend for years. what made you think you were
so special that anything about her,,,,or any one.......would be
substantially different from how that person was in the past?

Maggie
Maggie
2006-08-02 14:24:22 UTC
Permalink
TheOneThing wrote:

Oh well, who gives a fuck? It's my own fault for thinking
Post by TheOneThing
things would be different with me as opposed to her husband.
Okay......having nothing to do with BP.

You say you've been her friend for years. what made you think you were
so special that anything about her,,,,or any one.......would be
substantially different from how that person was in the past?

Maggie
Maggie
2006-08-02 14:24:22 UTC
Permalink
TheOneThing wrote:

Oh well, who gives a fuck? It's my own fault for thinking
Post by TheOneThing
things would be different with me as opposed to her husband.
Okay......having nothing to do with BP.

You say you've been her friend for years. what made you think you were
so special that anything about her,,,,or any one.......would be
substantially different from how that person was in the past?

Maggie
Snell
2006-07-28 05:59:11 UTC
Permalink
Post by sd
Bipolars are experts at ruining relationships.
* * * *

Speak for yourself. And borderlines aren't? What about
paranoid-schizophrenic murderers?

Narrow that brush, my friend. I don't want any of that non-truth (I'm
thinking, actually, of a word beginning with b and ending with t)
applied to me or to the other bipolar people I love.
LoneOne
2006-08-09 00:03:44 UTC
Permalink
Post by Snell
Post by sd
Bipolars are experts at ruining relationships.
* * * *
Speak for yourself. And borderlines aren't? What about
paranoid-schizophrenic murderers?
Narrow that brush, my friend. I don't want any of that non-truth (I'm
thinking, actually, of a word beginning with b and ending with t)
applied to me or to the other bipolar people I love.
SD .. All I haveto say is it doesn't take a bipolar person to ruin a
relationship.... anyone can do that....

As for me being bipolar.. more of a depressive person.. I find that
people with these disorders have more emotions and feelings and can
bring more to a relationship than those that do not. I know that I
have a tendency to care more about the other person and pleasing them
more than myself... unfortunately I seem to get into relationships
with people who take advantage of me at times... and I am sure I am
not always easy to deal with when I am depressed but most of my
depression is turned inwards...

Anyways... like I said ... Bipolar or not doesn't matter when coming
to ruining relationships...

Loading...