Dear Reeb and Gang:
I have a different perspective on this very significant issue, since
one of the worst things my BP does to me is make me intensely irritable
and short-fused (picometer-fused?). Before I told myself "enough is
enough!" with the rage, and got a correct diagnosis and the proper mood
stabilizer, my quickness to rage had been crippling my life more and
more. My raging destroyed love relationships, got me fired from jobs,
and pushed away most people except those who somehow were able to
withstand this behavior.
Recently, canadagirl described what things can look like behind the
eyes of a Borderline PD sufferer, which really helped me (and my two
brothers, each of which got a copy of her post) begin to understand the
behavior and thinking of my BPD mother. Let me try to do the same,
behind the eyes of a suffer of bipolar dysphoric mania.
I tell others, who aren't familiar with the concept of a mixed state or
dysphoric mania: "It's like you have all the hopelessness and meanness
of depression, combined with the intense energy and superhuman power of
mania--it's like "turbo boost" for the expression of annoyance."
("Turbo boost"--anyone remember 'Knight Rider'?)
A pdoc explained the process to me this way. There's a trigger--I know
certain ones I have, but more often it just seems random--and my mind
interprets the behavior of the target as an attack--a devastating,
malicious attack. (The first delusion.) Then several things happen:
(a) I begin to perceive the target as an evil, dangerous monster who
wants to harm or kill me (second delusion); (b) Most of the color
drains out of my vision (not so much as "seeing red" as "seeing
taupe"); (c) I believe with total certainty that unless I neutralize
this monster with an overwhelming and crippling counterattack, the
monster *will* harm or kill me, or any other loved one with me (third
delusion); (d) Finally, because I'm verbal and articulate, I launch,
within seconds, a devastating "counterattack" (but it isn't a
counterattack, because I haven't really been attacked in the first
place). Usually, these counterattacks go for the place where the
target is most weak or self-doubting. I don't have to think about what
to say--the perfectly devastating thing comes to me. Three minutes
later, I come to my senses, find that people are crying or screaming,
and looking at me with fear, astonishment, and anger, and I sigh,
knowing I've done it again.
I can't prevent these episodes, except by taking my medicine, and I
can't stop them once they've started. It's almost as if my mind were
hijacked by the manic-depression. I can look at myself from outside
myself and fairly scream at myself to stop before it's too late, but
the shields are up and the firing sequence is locked--there's no
stopping the cascade.
Reeb's girlfriend's episode in and after the grocery store strikes a
chord with me, because grocery stores make me anxious, and when I'm
anxious I'm more likely to explode. I might even say something as
ludicrous as "You've hurried me!" or "Your weakness and lack of
tolerance for the littlest pain made this whole trip pointless, because
I left behind all the things I really needed, feeling so rushed and
upset!"
A lot of suggestions given to Reeb were that he "dump her" or "ditch
her." Well, those responses seem a little too facile. There are lots
of things we don't know. Does he love and cherish her, except for
these episodes? How often do the episodes happen? Is she taking
medicine, and is it the right medicine, as liss asked. Could it be
that Reeb might unwittingly be saying things in a way--perhaps
passive-aggressive--that his GF experiences as trying to duck his
ownership of his part of the problem, or trivial, or needling? (In
other words, is there just a different *way* Reeb could say certain
things that would prevent their becoming triggers?) Reeb did tell us
that the GF was having bad anxiety about her job--could these episodes
be a relatively common venting of her anxiety (on a person she
believes, deep down, will forgive her, and will forgive the venting),
just amplified by dysphoric mania? Finally, could she be seeking some
space that Reeb might not understand she needs--he did say that she has
moved away from him sexually, and Maggie pointed out that she might not
be as interested in the attachment as he is.
Or she could be dangerous, a horrible mess that no one's been able to
clean up, suffering also from a difficult-to-treat personality
disorder, not in love with Reeb but trying to convince herself she
is--all of which are indeed reasons for Reeb to end the involvement and
move on. Not speaking for 24 hours is not a good sign at all.
Reeb, I'd encourage you to wait for a time when things are quiescent,
ask your GF to listen to you for ten minutes without interrupting, and
say how these behaviors make you feel. Ask her openly if she is in
love with you, and if she wants to keep her involvement with you. If
she's taking medicne, ask her if she feels that it's working. If she's
not, ask her if she's considered seeing a pdoc [and there I would use a
formulation such as "...see a pdoc for some temporary help to
strengthen you during this nasty job crisis," NOT "see a pdoc to give
you some medicine so that you don't ruin this relationship, and maybe
others, with your constant rage attacks."]
Tell her how you feel when she says that you've "hurried her," and when
she doesn't speak to you for 24 hours. Don't threaten, but maybe say
that, while you love her very much, you are nervous and full of grief
because you think your involvement might be sliding onto the rocks.
Say how her intimations that she's going to leave you just drive you
away. Then ask if that's really what she wants.
Finally--you might even ask her to read this thread. Sometimes it
takes a jolt to begin to see things from a point of view outside your
own.
Please keep us posted on how you're doing, and please know that I--and
probably everyone else who replied--wish you and your girlfriend
happiness and freedom from these terrible storms.
Ripley Snell
Post by r***@gmail.comMy GF has been quite anxious for the last 3 months or so. Ostensibly
because of her job. Lately, this has led to her being more and more
irritable with me.
I feel like I there is nothing I can say or do that is right.
Everything can be going along fine, and then BAAAMMM!!!, I do something
to set her off.
I
told her "Listen love, no hurry, but my foot hurts and I'll go wait in
the car for you. Take your time." When she came back out, all hell had
broken loose. I had "hurried" her and forced her to leave items she
wanted. She was beside her self with rage and wouldn't talk to me.
I
kept asking her what was wrong and what I had done, but that just made
it 100 times worse. By asking her what I had done, I was "sucking the
life out of"her and she ended up not talking to me much for 24 hours.
She told me she was "done with all this" and I had "finally sucked the
life totally out of"her.
We don't have sex anymore (5 months now) since my
asking to have sex with her pressures her too much.
Right now, she is looking at apts on the internet for herself since she
it "totally done with all this" (despite having talked about having
kids with me less than 24 hours ago) and being a total bitch to me.
I feel completely lost. This is my first bp gf and I feel like
everything I do is wrong. It sucks when you love someone with all your
heart and all you do is end up hurting them and making them massively
unhappy.
END OF POST