new here now but been here before...

Discussion:

(too old to reply)

bpbabe

2006-12-20 02:56:30 UTC

I'm 37, I have a good relationship, 2 wonderful teenage daughters
(except for the depression and shit), we just bought a house and my
mother is being nice to me for the first time in my entire life.

So of course I feel like my life sucks and all I can think of is the
sharp things in the house, what would happen with that combination of
drugs? (one I haven't tried before) and whether it would be better to
be in the bed where they can just roll up all the mess and throw it out

or in the bathroom where they can just hose it down?

I know this is just a thing that happens to me, I know it's not
environmental, sometimes I just crash.

But every time I do the one thing that I hate more than anything else
is that feeling that no matter what happens or what I do, it will
happen again.

Unless I stop it.

sorry

go back to your day

Celtic ferret

2006-12-21 16:28:14 UTC

Permalink

Call your pdoc. It's important to understand why you feel this way
rather than act on the desire.

KG

Post by bpbabe
I'm 37, I have a good relationship, 2 wonderful teenage daughters
(except for the depression and shit), we just bought a house and my
mother is being nice to me for the first time in my entire life.
So of course I feel like my life sucks and all I can think of is the
sharp things in the house, what would happen with that combination of
drugs? (one I haven't tried before) and whether it would be better to
be in the bed where they can just roll up all the mess and throw it out
or in the bathroom where they can just hose it down?
I know this is just a thing that happens to me, I know it's not
environmental, sometimes I just crash.
But every time I do the one thing that I hate more than anything else
is that feeling that no matter what happens or what I do, it will
happen again.
Unless I stop it.
sorry
go back to your day

bpbabe

2006-12-26 07:15:30 UTC

Permalink

I feel this way because every now and then my brain betrays me and
falls into an unprovoked depression. I don't need to know why, I
already understand more about my illness than any of my pdocs have and
I'm sorry if this sounds pissy.
this is my way of not acting on the desire, find a thing to do
tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. Each day I find one reason
not to. Even if it's only because i'm supposed to check my email.
mostly it works. right now it's not.

One minute I'm fine the next I'm turning on my family for no reason
(not physically).
This will happen again, it's been happening since I was 12, I am alive
by good luck not good management and it will happen again.

that's the thing that drives me to the edge, no matter what I do, this
will happen again, no matter the meds (tried them all) no matter the
therapies (what good is a learned coping skill that goes away when you
crack up?) no matter the support, it will happen again and I will do
even more damage to my children than I already have (emotionally).

the only surprise for me is how long between episodes and how much I
will have to make up for afterwards, how many people I will have to
apologise to and how long it will take for my girls and my partner to
trust that I really am fine.

If this is as good as it gets, is it really worth it?

Post by Celtic ferret
Call your pdoc. It's important to understand why you feel this way
rather than act on the desire.
KG

HappyPolarBear

2006-12-26 16:05:25 UTC

Permalink

that sounds so much like me, I never would be able to describe it in
this way but this is how I feel and act many times and I am just in the
mist of it right now.

I have many cuts right now and have to hide them from my family so they
don't send me off to the hospital. Everytime I wonder why I just can't
do it. I still don't have any coping mechanism in place when things go
wrong.

I hope you have always someone aroung when you feel like acting so you
can get help.

I am lucky I have a real good thearpist who is helping to get through
and hopefully she can teach me how to cope with rage and disapointment
in a different way other than hurting me or the ones who love me.

PolarBear

Post by bpbabe
I feel this way because every now and then my brain betrays me and
falls into an unprovoked depression. I don't need to know why, I
already understand more about my illness than any of my pdocs have and
I'm sorry if this sounds pissy.
this is my way of not acting on the desire, find a thing to do
tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. Each day I find one reason
not to. Even if it's only because i'm supposed to check my email.
mostly it works. right now it's not.
One minute I'm fine the next I'm turning on my family for no reason
(not physically).
This will happen again, it's been happening since I was 12, I am alive
by good luck not good management and it will happen again.
that's the thing that drives me to the edge, no matter what I do, this
will happen again, no matter the meds (tried them all) no matter the
therapies (what good is a learned coping skill that goes away when you
crack up?) no matter the support, it will happen again and I will do
even more damage to my children than I already have (emotionally).
the only surprise for me is how long between episodes and how much I
will have to make up for afterwards, how many people I will have to
apologise to and how long it will take for my girls and my partner to
trust that I really am fine.
If this is as good as it gets, is it really worth it?

Post by Celtic ferret
Call your pdoc. It's important to understand why you feel this way
rather than act on the desire.
KG

Matt

2006-12-26 16:21:16 UTC

Permalink

I understand how you feel to an extent. Is this as good as it gets??
The only thing I got going for me is that there are more meds out there
that I haven't tried. Even though the number is continually getting
shorter. 29, but have been screwed up (for lack of better term) since
13. And it has never gone away all these years. Up and down...usually
down. And any time I'm up I know it won't last. And when I'm down,
it reminds me how much this sucks and that I spend most of my time in
this crap hole and I will go through this again and again.

When extremely down I think of suicide...although I know I can't do it
for a couple reasons. I'm a religious guy and know that wouldn't fly
in the eternal scheme of things. And I couldn't leave my wife (no kids
yet)...she would lose it if it happened. And this logic works when I
am down there. So I just go through it and writhe through the mental
anguish knowing this is my life. And it always seems like, this is it,
I'll never get out of this one. This feeling is going to last forever.
I can't seem to see the hope that I'll rise, even just a little bit,
even though it's worked like that all these (16) years.

Sometimes the meds help. But it never really seems to "change" me. It
just covers up the disease a little bit. Like I can still feel it
underneath the meds, if that makes any sense. Kind of like when you
take pain meds. The pain is still underneath there, but it is covered
up by the meds. And you're never completely pain-free.

So is this as good as it gets? I hope not. Some of my hope lies in
meds I haven't tried yet. I read stories of people feeling "normal".
So it must be possible. Remember, even if you've tried them all, you
probably haven't tried every different combination of them all.
Sometimes a different combo can mean everything. And there is always
that hope of a miracle.

Franny

2006-12-26 23:58:59 UTC

Permalink

Matt:
Your outlook is realistic, which it must be in order to change the way
you interact given your short-coming,ie, manic-depression. Medications
are just one part of the system which will help you cope; they will
*not* heal you! So, be realistic about that. Changing meds *can* help
until you find one, or a combination that works to keep your affect on
an even keel. Thern, you need to work intensively and openly with a
therapist to learn who you are and what you want to achieve. Knowledge
decreases fear, helps to provide emotional support
and also allows you to find ways to deal with your complex disorder.
With hard work and patience, you may get to "is this as good as it
gets?" and become content inside, knowing that what is inside you, is
just you. That may just be good enough!
You show inner strength in your post; you probably have the energy to
pursue a positive outcome and ease of function in our great world in
time.
When I get bummed out, I have tools to use to drag me back and when I'm
manic and scrubbing the cracks in the bathroom tile, it runs its course
since I cannot stop it while I try (sometimes in vain)for a "solution."
Oh well. What goes up must come down. Take care my friend.
Kathy

Post by Matt
I understand how you feel to an extent. Is this as good as it gets??
The only thing I got going for me is that there are more meds out there
that I haven't tried. Even though the number is continually getting
shorter. 29, but have been screwed up (for lack of better term) since
13. And it has never gone away all these years. Up and down...usually
down. And any time I'm up I know it won't last. And when I'm down,
it reminds me how much this sucks and that I spend most of my time in
this crap hole and I will go through this again and again.
When extremely down I think of suicide...although I know I can't do it
for a couple reasons. I'm a religious guy and know that wouldn't fly
in the eternal scheme of things. And I couldn't leave my wife (no kids
yet)...she would lose it if it happened. And this logic works when I
am down there. So I just go through it and writhe through the mental
anguish knowing this is my life. And it always seems like, this is it,
I'll never get out of this one. This feeling is going to last forever.
I can't seem to see the hope that I'll rise, even just a little bit,
even though it's worked like that all these (16) years.
Sometimes the meds help. But it never really seems to "change" me. It
just covers up the disease a little bit. Like I can still feel it
underneath the meds, if that makes any sense. Kind of like when you
take pain meds. The pain is still underneath there, but it is covered
up by the meds. And you're never completely pain-free.
So is this as good as it gets? I hope not. Some of my hope lies in
meds I haven't tried yet. I read stories of people feeling "normal".
So it must be possible. Remember, even if you've tried them all, you
probably haven't tried every different combination of them all.
Sometimes a different combo can mean everything. And there is always
that hope of a miracle.

Steve

2006-12-26 13:41:30 UTC

Permalink

I love Patch Adams statement - "You cannot be depressed and hold someone you
love in your mind at the same time - it is impossible." It has been my
experience, that it is very hard to contemplate killing myself while
thinking of my kids and how I will hurt them. I often think of some little
thing that I could do to put a smile on there faces.

Life sucks - then it goes on, but the funny part is that the true joy comes
from where you least expect it.

This was the best Christmas I have ever had despite my life.

Four years ago, I was the Sr VP of a major corp, made $300,000, lived in a
6,000 sqft estate and was doing very well, when the new president fired all
of the VPs and blacklisted me.

Since then I spent every cent I had trying to start a business and looking
for a new job, I have lost every worldly position I had & now owe over
$250,000

Two years ago I tried to take my life, after thinking about it over and
over. I took an overdose of pills, was rushed to the hospital and then had
3 months of hell recovering from the pills. The good news is that, being in
Canada I don't need to worry about the medical bills.

How ever, it was this past summer that I came to realize what the meaning of
life was. It was not my job, my positions, or my health. It was making
others smile (and not any smile, but the smiles that reach deep inside), it
was touching others (often with out physical contact).

I now work at a call center and make in a week, what I once made in two
hours, I am no longer respected as an expert, in fact many people think that
I have little to offer, but I make people smile and that makes it all worth
while,

My joy comes from playing cards with my kids, from going on walks, from
doing house work to surprise my wife, from doing little things for others
and expecting nothing back.

/Smile

bpbabe

2006-12-28 20:58:36 UTC

Permalink

"You cannot be depressed and hold someone you

Post by Steve
love in your mind at the same time - it is impossible.

"the main problem with that is that at the moment I have no emotions -
blank -
I know I love my family because I remember it, not because I feel it, I
know I love my partner because I remember it, not because I feel it.

My partner keeps coming up to me and hugging me and telling me she
loves me and it makes no sense to me because I cannot see why she is
doing it, it's not like I just gave her the winning lotto numbers or
anything.
We went to a movie last night because it was our wedding anniversary -
casino royale - I guess it was good, technically it seemed great but
everyone was all "ooh" over various bits and I'm thinking "it's just a
damn movie, what's the big deal"

I rmember that I made a deal with a therapist once about not offing
myself while I still had a reason to be here but for the life of me -
literally - I cannot remember what the reason was.

thomcat

2007-01-06 14:40:17 UTC

Permalink

Post by Steve
I love Patch Adams statement - "You cannot be depressed and hold someone you
love in your mind at the same time - it is impossible." It has been my
experience, that it is very hard to contemplate killing myself while
thinking of my kids and how I will hurt them. I often think of some little
thing that I could do to put a smile on there faces.
Life sucks - then it goes on, but the funny part is that the true joy comes
from where you least expect it.
This was the best Christmas I have ever had despite my life.
Four years ago, I was the Sr VP of a major corp, made $300,000, lived in a
6,000 sqft estate and was doing very well, when the new president fired all
of the VPs and blacklisted me.
Since then I spent every cent I had trying to start a business and looking
for a new job, I have lost every worldly position I had & now owe over
$250,000
Two years ago I tried to take my life, after thinking about it over and
over. I took an overdose of pills, was rushed to the hospital and then had
3 months of hell recovering from the pills. The good news is that, being in
Canada I don't need to worry about the medical bills.
How ever, it was this past summer that I came to realize what the meaning of
life was. It was not my job, my positions, or my health. It was making
others smile (and not any smile, but the smiles that reach deep inside), it
was touching others (often with out physical contact).
I now work at a call center and make in a week, what I once made in two
hours, I am no longer respected as an expert, in fact many people think that
I have little to offer, but I make people smile and that makes it all worth
while,
My joy comes from playing cards with my kids, from going on walks, from
doing house work to surprise my wife, from doing little things for others
and expecting nothing back.
/Smile