New, scared, alone, pissed. Help?

[s***@gmail.com]

Ok, ok. So i've never been diagnosed. Shocker.

Let me point out a few red flags:

26 years old, 50,000 in credit card debt. Can't keep friendships,
because i feel easily betrayed.

Now, up until 23 or so, I was somwewhat normal. I had delusions of
grandeur in my mind feeling i was predestined to save the world,
etc.... NOt strongly, but enough that i felt 'cool' when thinking i was
invincible. I never flaunted that, but i just FELT important.

Anyhow, so I try XTC at 23. This starts a slipperly slope to which to
this day i'm still sliding on.

I got married a year ago. Was not faithful. But wasn't done out of love
or really any reaosn. It was just done. It was like i had no feelings
over the situation at all.

I spend money for no reason, i've taken trips for no reason (1 week
trip to thailand because- just because). Break down because i can't
seem to find a 'piece' of myself that i feel will make me complete.

I find it hard to hold steady jobs. I am moodly, angry, depressed, and
yes- when i'm manic (or what i think is manic) I get super excited
creative and talkative.

Did i mention i'm an artist? An artist who no longer writes or does
photography. Hmmm. Sounds like a fuckin' bum to me.

Welll, what brought me here? For as long as i've lived i've had this
desire to GET AWAY. TO FIND something. What? Where? I HAVE NO CLUE. But
i've reached a breaking point.

HOW I FELT LAST WEEK

Now to the GET AWAY part. Why? To clear my head. To give myself some
breathing room to write. My wife and i have had HORRENDOUS times with
eachother. If its not one addiction with me its another. Drugs? World
of Warcraft? But lack of intimacy with her. Self loathing of myself. I
feel like if i could just get the FUCK away for a little bit I could
figure things out SOMEHOW.

I guess this is irresponsible. I can't afford it. But i'm sure i can
find a place to stay cheap on the road. Find work on the road. WHILE I
FIND MYSELF.

I DIDN'T GO ANYWHERE.

I self diagnosed finally about a year ago. Started to grasp with the
denial and now a year later am in the process of getting fully
diagnosed.

My therapist appt. monday went well- she pretty much agrees with me.

My disorder has pretty much cost me everything. Friends, finances, and
now the latest- my marriage.

Luckily she's staying on as my best friend with 'potential' to work on
us WAY down the road. So there's still hope (false tho it may be) that
I can still fix some of my messes.

I almost wish i was COMPLETELY broken. I look at the disorder as a very
intricate piece of stained glass. Bipolars bust up this stained glass
and are left trying to repair this work of art (which is our life). I
sometimes think it'd be easier to just pop out the rest of the glass
and start from scratch. But thats me wanting the easy way out. And
NOTHING about this is easy.

But TODAY I went to the PDOC.

The PDOC today didn't seem to get it and thought I basically just need
to learn some self control and deal with self esteem issues.

Basically she excused my rediculous spending, infidelities, drug use,
and other rediculous mood swings as- SELF GRATIFICATION.

Well, FUCK YOU Psychiatrist lady.

She gave me Wellbutrin XL and Lyrica. And then I get to go in for some
psych testing- tests and rorscrash shit.

I'm not a doctor, but holy fucking hell. I'm about 110% positive I'm
BP2. I wouldn't wish it on my worst fucking enemy. Breaking down out of
nowhere, then having the clouds part then going crazy and spending
money on a spur of the moment trip to Thailand and then looking back at
your shattered life full of mistakes, errors in judgement, and other
messes. Self control??? Gratification? WHAT THE FUCK???

I realllly hope that Wellbutrin and Lyrica FUCK ME UP and throw me into
a psychotic manic tailspin JUST TO PROVE MY GODDAMN point.

I'm sooooo fucking frustrated right now. I've konwn something was wrong
with me for years. Its gotten progressively worse. I've gotten
progressively riskier in my behaviors and mood swings. And NOW when I
finally go for help I GET THIS SHIT???

Wow. My years and years and years of bottling up this inner tumultuous
storm- I am ready to FUCKING RAGE.

But- you may ask- did I say this to my PDOC? I explained why I thought
I was Bipolar but apparently not well enough.

I guess I should shut my mouth, take my meds, and just accept the fact
the only reason my life is shit is because I'm a fuckup.

So I guess i'm not bipolar. I'm just a 26 year old fuckup that needs to
learn self control and learn not to self gratify.

Ok.

Time to go buy a fucking plane ticket to Paris.

Any help? It's not like i'm thrilled with being bipolar, but it gives
me a sense of hope I guess. And yeh, as you can tell i'm pretty much
sure I'm Bipolar 2. I've spent too much time researching it agonizing
over that NOT being me and finally realizing it IS me that i'm not
going to accept a NO on this.

Maybe i'm just crazy.

:(

[Snell]

Please check your e-mail. You seem to be in distress. I replied
privately.

Snell

[still lookin]

Glad you are looking for others that have been through what you are
dealing with now. It was almost like reading my own biography seeing
your post.
<P>
All this "red tape" takes time. If you do go manic, just like I did from
the anti-depressant, that will "prove" to the pdoc that you have mania,
and not just depression. I am an artist also, and I am having a hard
time finding the energy to be creative.
<P>
If the doc gives you attitude, just find another. They are a dime a
dozen. Most are less informed than you or I. I get to pick and choose
which meds I want to try next, because it's pretty much a guessing game
with them.
<P>
This is my 4th year into the manic depressive world, after having a
major breakdown. The fewer people you share this info with, the better
off you will be. Believe me.
<P>
Please keep us up to date with your meds and pdoc visits. There is
plenty of moral support to be found here.

[s***@gmail.com]

Well, I had my 'official' breakdown like a year ago. And since then
I've gotten SOOOO progressively worse.

The thing is, she's kinda treating depression in me. But i'm not really
depressed. I had a bout of acture anxiety and depression. I KNOW what
full on deep depression feels like. The dreadful storm clouds always
over your head. The feeling of impending doom, and yes- feeling like
you wish you were dead. (not quite suicidal, not quite not).

She's not quite getting the manic phases. And when I use the word manic
phases to her, she gets a dumbass look on her phase and says,
wellll....thats not really manic. Its just a normal reaction.....WTF?
Normal reaction my ASS. If it was a 'normal' reaction my marriage
wouldn't be shit, my finances wouldn't be shit, and my mind wouldn't be
like an atom bomb ready to explode with constant pressure and feelings
of out of control.

Sorry guys. Today is just a very pissed day. And one day on the Lyrica
(which, by the way cost me 150 bucks I can't afford because insurance
won't cover it) and Wellbutrin XL are already causing a slow rise to a
manic phase. And for the first time ever, i'm seeing shit when I close
my eyes. Monkeys, demons, monsters, a chick screaming. Just odd odd
stuff. If this continues, I hope I can prove my point to her this week
when I walk in the office naked telling her that I just had sex with
God. Maybe if I'm soooo extremely out of it by then they'll commit me,
or TRUST ME when I tell them I know what the fuck is going on in my
head.

God, i sound like a lunatic now. I'll just stop.

Thanks.

[HappyPolarBear]

No you are not crazy, neither are you a 26 year old fuck up.
I think you just go through what many of us go through at times. Taking the
wright medication is a start (mind you I am not the biggest fan of it
either). And having a psych to work with helps a lot.
You may not fix the damage from the past but you amy be able to make your
life mor liveable and a bit more enjoyable.
Bipolar or not does it really matter? You feel sick and you know things are
not right so if you get help and your psych works with you to get you better
stays your friend and put you on the right meds and than that is what
matters.

I hope you feel better soon.

Carmen

Post by s***@gmail.com
Ok, ok. So i've never been diagnosed. Shocker.
26 years old, 50,000 in credit card debt. Can't keep friendships,
because i feel easily betrayed.
Now, up until 23 or so, I was somwewhat normal. I had delusions of
grandeur in my mind feeling i was predestined to save the world,
etc.... NOt strongly, but enough that i felt 'cool' when thinking i was
invincible. I never flaunted that, but i just FELT important.
Anyhow, so I try XTC at 23. This starts a slipperly slope to which to
this day i'm still sliding on.
I got married a year ago. Was not faithful. But wasn't done out of love
or really any reaosn. It was just done. It was like i had no feelings
over the situation at all.
I spend money for no reason, i've taken trips for no reason (1 week
trip to thailand because- just because). Break down because i can't
seem to find a 'piece' of myself that i feel will make me complete.
I find it hard to hold steady jobs. I am moodly, angry, depressed, and
yes- when i'm manic (or what i think is manic) I get super excited
creative and talkative.
Did i mention i'm an artist? An artist who no longer writes or does
photography. Hmmm. Sounds like a fuckin' bum to me.
Welll, what brought me here? For as long as i've lived i've had this
desire to GET AWAY. TO FIND something. What? Where? I HAVE NO CLUE. But
i've reached a breaking point.
HOW I FELT LAST WEEK
Now to the GET AWAY part. Why? To clear my head. To give myself some
breathing room to write. My wife and i have had HORRENDOUS times with
eachother. If its not one addiction with me its another. Drugs? World
of Warcraft? But lack of intimacy with her. Self loathing of myself. I
feel like if i could just get the FUCK away for a little bit I could
figure things out SOMEHOW.
I guess this is irresponsible. I can't afford it. But i'm sure i can
find a place to stay cheap on the road. Find work on the road. WHILE I
FIND MYSELF.
I DIDN'T GO ANYWHERE.
I self diagnosed finally about a year ago. Started to grasp with the
denial and now a year later am in the process of getting fully
diagnosed.
My therapist appt. monday went well- she pretty much agrees with me.
My disorder has pretty much cost me everything. Friends, finances, and
now the latest- my marriage.
Luckily she's staying on as my best friend with 'potential' to work on
us WAY down the road. So there's still hope (false tho it may be) that
I can still fix some of my messes.
I almost wish i was COMPLETELY broken. I look at the disorder as a very
intricate piece of stained glass. Bipolars bust up this stained glass
and are left trying to repair this work of art (which is our life). I
sometimes think it'd be easier to just pop out the rest of the glass
and start from scratch. But thats me wanting the easy way out. And
NOTHING about this is easy.
But TODAY I went to the PDOC.
The PDOC today didn't seem to get it and thought I basically just need
to learn some self control and deal with self esteem issues.
Basically she excused my rediculous spending, infidelities, drug use,
and other rediculous mood swings as- SELF GRATIFICATION.
Well, FUCK YOU Psychiatrist lady.
She gave me Wellbutrin XL and Lyrica. And then I get to go in for some
psych testing- tests and rorscrash shit.
I'm not a doctor, but holy fucking hell. I'm about 110% positive I'm
BP2. I wouldn't wish it on my worst fucking enemy. Breaking down out of
nowhere, then having the clouds part then going crazy and spending
money on a spur of the moment trip to Thailand and then looking back at
your shattered life full of mistakes, errors in judgement, and other
messes. Self control??? Gratification? WHAT THE FUCK???
I realllly hope that Wellbutrin and Lyrica FUCK ME UP and throw me into
a psychotic manic tailspin JUST TO PROVE MY GODDAMN point.
I'm sooooo fucking frustrated right now. I've konwn something was wrong
with me for years. Its gotten progressively worse. I've gotten
progressively riskier in my behaviors and mood swings. And NOW when I
finally go for help I GET THIS SHIT???
Wow. My years and years and years of bottling up this inner tumultuous
storm- I am ready to FUCKING RAGE.
But- you may ask- did I say this to my PDOC? I explained why I thought
I was Bipolar but apparently not well enough.
I guess I should shut my mouth, take my meds, and just accept the fact
the only reason my life is shit is because I'm a fuckup.
So I guess i'm not bipolar. I'm just a 26 year old fuckup that needs to
learn self control and learn not to self gratify.
Ok.
Time to go buy a fucking plane ticket to Paris.
Any help? It's not like i'm thrilled with being bipolar, but it gives
me a sense of hope I guess. And yeh, as you can tell i'm pretty much
sure I'm Bipolar 2. I've spent too much time researching it agonizing
over that NOT being me and finally realizing it IS me that i'm not
going to accept a NO on this.
Maybe i'm just crazy.
:(

[HappyPolarBear]

No you are not crazy, neither are you a 26 year old fuck up.
I think you just go through what many of us go through at times. Taking the
wright medication is a start (mind you I am not the biggest fan of it
either). And having a psych to work with helps a lot.
You may not fix the damage from the past but you amy be able to make your
life mor liveable and a bit more enjoyable.
Bipolar or not does it really matter? You feel sick and you know things are
not right so if you get help and your psych works with you to get you better
stays your friend and put you on the right meds and than that is what
matters.

I hope you feel better soon.

Carmen

Post by s***@gmail.com
Ok, ok. So i've never been diagnosed. Shocker.
26 years old, 50,000 in credit card debt. Can't keep friendships,
because i feel easily betrayed.
Now, up until 23 or so, I was somwewhat normal. I had delusions of
grandeur in my mind feeling i was predestined to save the world,
etc.... NOt strongly, but enough that i felt 'cool' when thinking i was
invincible. I never flaunted that, but i just FELT important.
Anyhow, so I try XTC at 23. This starts a slipperly slope to which to
this day i'm still sliding on.
I got married a year ago. Was not faithful. But wasn't done out of love
or really any reaosn. It was just done. It was like i had no feelings
over the situation at all.
I spend money for no reason, i've taken trips for no reason (1 week
trip to thailand because- just because). Break down because i can't
seem to find a 'piece' of myself that i feel will make me complete.
I find it hard to hold steady jobs. I am moodly, angry, depressed, and
yes- when i'm manic (or what i think is manic) I get super excited
creative and talkative.
Did i mention i'm an artist? An artist who no longer writes or does
photography. Hmmm. Sounds like a fuckin' bum to me.
Welll, what brought me here? For as long as i've lived i've had this
desire to GET AWAY. TO FIND something. What? Where? I HAVE NO CLUE. But
i've reached a breaking point.
HOW I FELT LAST WEEK
Now to the GET AWAY part. Why? To clear my head. To give myself some
breathing room to write. My wife and i have had HORRENDOUS times with
eachother. If its not one addiction with me its another. Drugs? World
of Warcraft? But lack of intimacy with her. Self loathing of myself. I
feel like if i could just get the FUCK away for a little bit I could
figure things out SOMEHOW.
I guess this is irresponsible. I can't afford it. But i'm sure i can
find a place to stay cheap on the road. Find work on the road. WHILE I
FIND MYSELF.
I DIDN'T GO ANYWHERE.
I self diagnosed finally about a year ago. Started to grasp with the
denial and now a year later am in the process of getting fully
diagnosed.
My therapist appt. monday went well- she pretty much agrees with me.
My disorder has pretty much cost me everything. Friends, finances, and
now the latest- my marriage.
Luckily she's staying on as my best friend with 'potential' to work on
us WAY down the road. So there's still hope (false tho it may be) that
I can still fix some of my messes.
I almost wish i was COMPLETELY broken. I look at the disorder as a very
intricate piece of stained glass. Bipolars bust up this stained glass
and are left trying to repair this work of art (which is our life). I
sometimes think it'd be easier to just pop out the rest of the glass
and start from scratch. But thats me wanting the easy way out. And
NOTHING about this is easy.
But TODAY I went to the PDOC.
The PDOC today didn't seem to get it and thought I basically just need
to learn some self control and deal with self esteem issues.
Basically she excused my rediculous spending, infidelities, drug use,
and other rediculous mood swings as- SELF GRATIFICATION.
Well, FUCK YOU Psychiatrist lady.
She gave me Wellbutrin XL and Lyrica. And then I get to go in for some
psych testing- tests and rorscrash shit.
I'm not a doctor, but holy fucking hell. I'm about 110% positive I'm
BP2. I wouldn't wish it on my worst fucking enemy. Breaking down out of
nowhere, then having the clouds part then going crazy and spending
money on a spur of the moment trip to Thailand and then looking back at
your shattered life full of mistakes, errors in judgement, and other
messes. Self control??? Gratification? WHAT THE FUCK???
I realllly hope that Wellbutrin and Lyrica FUCK ME UP and throw me into
a psychotic manic tailspin JUST TO PROVE MY GODDAMN point.
I'm sooooo fucking frustrated right now. I've konwn something was wrong
with me for years. Its gotten progressively worse. I've gotten
progressively riskier in my behaviors and mood swings. And NOW when I
finally go for help I GET THIS SHIT???
Wow. My years and years and years of bottling up this inner tumultuous
storm- I am ready to FUCKING RAGE.
But- you may ask- did I say this to my PDOC? I explained why I thought
I was Bipolar but apparently not well enough.
I guess I should shut my mouth, take my meds, and just accept the fact
the only reason my life is shit is because I'm a fuckup.
So I guess i'm not bipolar. I'm just a 26 year old fuckup that needs to
learn self control and learn not to self gratify.
Ok.
Time to go buy a fucking plane ticket to Paris.
Any help? It's not like i'm thrilled with being bipolar, but it gives
me a sense of hope I guess. And yeh, as you can tell i'm pretty much
sure I'm Bipolar 2. I've spent too much time researching it agonizing
over that NOT being me and finally realizing it IS me that i'm not
going to accept a NO on this.
Maybe i'm just crazy.
:(