Kelly
2006-07-18 00:45:02 UTC
I have some ethical questions about the correct thing to do in relation
to a bipolar relative.
First, some background:
A relative of mine, let's call him Fred, who lives in my town, was
hospitalized for a manic episode about two years ago. Since then he has
done well on medication, re-established friendships and his marriage,
and resumed a professional career.
Recently, another relative, let's call him Joe, visited my town and made
arrangements to get together with me and my mother. A few days later,
Fred sent me an angry email accusing me of deliberately excluding him
not only from dinner with Joe and my mother but from past family events.
I emailed back and told him that I was sorry he felt left out, but Joe
was the one who had set things up and he should talk to Joe about it.
Fred then wrote that he believed I was in a position to include him at
family gatherings and in the future I should do so. (I don't know why he
thinks this, maybe because I usually make reservations, but that's no
reason.) The letter also accused me of never doing anything for him when
he did x, y and z for me.
I emailed Fred again telling him that I didn't feel it was my place to
tell someone who to invite where, that he was putting me in the middle
of his relationships with other people and it wasn't fair. I also told
him that his accusations were unfair and untrue and gave specific
examples of x, y and z I have done for him.
A few more emails were exchanged in which Fred was angry and insistent
and I tried to calmly bring reality into focus.
I finally got fed up and told him that he was blaming me for something
that was between him and Joe and that he was the one who was abusing me
with his accusations and demands. I also said that he has had a
troubled relationship with Joe and what should I have done if I had
suggested he join us and Joe had said no.
Then he stopped writing.
So, my questions are:
Should I have told him that I was concerned because he was acting
irrationally and asked if he needed to have his meds checked, or ask if
he was taking them? (There was a similar incident when I did this and he
became more angry. It turned out that his meds were okay and he was on
them.)
Should I have just said I'm sorry you feel this way and not engaged in
any dialogue about it?
Should I have not told him that I felt he was being unfair and abusive
to me? If he were not bipolar, I would not hesitate in telling him this.
But if he's not in control of his behavior, am I expecting too much of
him?
And finally, if Joe had asked me if I wanted to include Fred, I probably
would have said no, as he often upsets my mother, who is pretty old and
frail and would rather not see him. I didn't tell this to Fred, but
should I have?
Thanks for any comments.
Kelly
to a bipolar relative.
First, some background:
A relative of mine, let's call him Fred, who lives in my town, was
hospitalized for a manic episode about two years ago. Since then he has
done well on medication, re-established friendships and his marriage,
and resumed a professional career.
Recently, another relative, let's call him Joe, visited my town and made
arrangements to get together with me and my mother. A few days later,
Fred sent me an angry email accusing me of deliberately excluding him
not only from dinner with Joe and my mother but from past family events.
I emailed back and told him that I was sorry he felt left out, but Joe
was the one who had set things up and he should talk to Joe about it.
Fred then wrote that he believed I was in a position to include him at
family gatherings and in the future I should do so. (I don't know why he
thinks this, maybe because I usually make reservations, but that's no
reason.) The letter also accused me of never doing anything for him when
he did x, y and z for me.
I emailed Fred again telling him that I didn't feel it was my place to
tell someone who to invite where, that he was putting me in the middle
of his relationships with other people and it wasn't fair. I also told
him that his accusations were unfair and untrue and gave specific
examples of x, y and z I have done for him.
A few more emails were exchanged in which Fred was angry and insistent
and I tried to calmly bring reality into focus.
I finally got fed up and told him that he was blaming me for something
that was between him and Joe and that he was the one who was abusing me
with his accusations and demands. I also said that he has had a
troubled relationship with Joe and what should I have done if I had
suggested he join us and Joe had said no.
Then he stopped writing.
So, my questions are:
Should I have told him that I was concerned because he was acting
irrationally and asked if he needed to have his meds checked, or ask if
he was taking them? (There was a similar incident when I did this and he
became more angry. It turned out that his meds were okay and he was on
them.)
Should I have just said I'm sorry you feel this way and not engaged in
any dialogue about it?
Should I have not told him that I felt he was being unfair and abusive
to me? If he were not bipolar, I would not hesitate in telling him this.
But if he's not in control of his behavior, am I expecting too much of
him?
And finally, if Joe had asked me if I wanted to include Fred, I probably
would have said no, as he often upsets my mother, who is pretty old and
frail and would rather not see him. I didn't tell this to Fred, but
should I have?
Thanks for any comments.
Kelly